What's Inside: Blood Memory

I'm laying in bed and listening to a few N.W.A songs. These things don't have a connection really, just setting up a scene for you. So, I am laying in bed and listening to N.W.A, a part of a song comes on and it takes me to a time I hadn't expected to go to. Latchkey. Jokes and definitions aside, it was a recreational program, for the kids. One of the best part of my childhood. It was just a mesh of kids hanging out in building with adult supervision.

It's summer time in this memory.

I guess our camping trip got canceled or something along those lines. I can remember how we were in the rec building, now the C.A.R.D building. Normally we would go to Algonquin Provincial Park for a trip. It was annual. The saying "if it isn't broke, don't fix it" comes in play a lot in my community. There was another camping trip that we would go on and it is escaping me right now. (It came to me, Niagara Falls.)

That aside, we are staying in the building. We all tell stories, as any group of kids would. Prior to the night, we had probably had teachings. Teachings of our culture. Not all of us come from families that practice the traditional ways. It is something that would come back to us time and time again. Different examples of feeling safe, keeping each other safe.

Around the fire, still during the daytime, I should mention. We notice that there are birds flying above us. Just flying in circles. One was a nice bird, the other not as much. It was like a game of chase. Just the one wasn't in on the game. We go on through the usual ghost stories. Tradition, why break it.

At one point the boys get it in their head that they need to call out this bird. Rightly so, he was clearly picking on the other one. I should note now that these birds are seagulls. Originally we thought that they would be after our hotdogs that we were cooking by the fire. It isn't the case, however. This we all realize after a while.

The names that we had given to them were in relation to what we had learned earlier that week. The mean gull is now peaking and picking at the other one. The guys shout out, "this guy is a dick". "Hey get off of I think, Steve". (I know that it was a name that was very human and not anyone in the group.) Everyone is shouting, a few of us "pray". Not at all in the traditional sense of invocating. From either culture that we might be referencing. There is a church in our community.

A few of the girls would attend. Not I, however.

We weren't praying to God or the Creator in the religious and spiritual sense. Not yet. It was more of a sarcastic manner. "Let this dick seagull leave, Steve alone." For an example. It was something along those lines. When it came to this program we were a little bit mouthy. Depending who the counselor was at the time. There was a handful that none of us took very seriously. I am sure they never thought much of themselves either. I mean in the role.

Getting right to where I meant to get. We laid down some tobacco. The memory is hazed and not as strong as once was. I haven't thought about the bird since it happened. It could have been a dream I had that night in the rec building. It still counts as a memory, doesn't it.

We laid down the tobacco for the seagull that was now hurt. Even tossed him some food, strongly suggested from the older people to not feed them. As they would keep asking for food. Of course, we did anyways. They damn bird was just beaten up by a fellow gull.

Throughout our childhood and a bit in our teens this would happen again. Not the birds but the call back to who we are. What we feel inside of ourselves. I would think that it is a tool that is barely used in our arsenal. It is something that is there. Some of us don't know how to go about it, feel out of place even thinking about our culture. That fear is yet another thing that is inside of us. Tipping the balance inside.

Every so often I am reminded of these events in the past. The past where I can remember having the best times. Laughing and giggling with friends. Most of these people who I am not all that close with nowadays. But still see at times, as these kids; wild, brown and mouthy. Alright, some of us might be a little taller, maybe a little rounder. Still mouthy and toning down on the wild part.

Post Script 

I do realize that I am an 'N' away from Seagal.

I Went Back To School

It was last year around this. Actually it was probably closer to my birthday, now that I really think about it. Well, anyways. I was out for a drive with one of my good, good friends. We had gone for a drive, needed some time to vent and let the shit dry in the breeze of a smoke and the breeze coming in from the windows of her car. 

We are talking about this and that. Nothing that could really stick the minds right now. It was just talk you know. Old fashion girl talk. Possibly even some gossip. My friend had told me that now was the time to go back to school. That's really all I needed was someone other then my mother telling me to go back. To do something. It was a sort of "yeah, yeah, yeah" thing when my mom would say "Listen Starr, you need to do something. Get another job. Go back to school. You need to do something." I love my mom, but I don't always hear her.

Not as much as she would want me to, anyways.

I believe it had taken me a week to actually do it. Partly because I couldn't figure out the websites and didn't want to ask for help. Which is a problem of mine that should be taken care of. Or not. Its fine, everything works out eventually. So after figuring out websites and filling things out and using actual money to pay for this new venture I got a letter saying I was accepted, to university. 

Living in a dorm would take me another 3 months to figure out. Really just mulling that over. Giving it a good thought. Thinking about how it would be. Why I would need to live in dorms, especially since all I hear is good things from people who have lived in dorms. Now I can officially say that I am one of those people who hate the experience.

It is pure bull-poop. I do not know how people are sticking this living for four years. The drama is cray-cray. Yes, I said cray-cray. Because it is

That being said I have never been more happy about what it is that I am doing this past year. It is exhausting. I do question why I am in school. What the hell am I doing here? It is always on the down time that can hurt my brain. When I am amazingly tired. Completely exhausted from the readings and the writings and listening to the drama down the hall. For all of my complaining I don't think that I would change a damn thing about what it is that I am doing. I am actually proud of myself for going in and going in for what it is that I love to do.

Learning all that I can. I want to be able to walk away from this education, this experience and say I am proud of myself. Right now I happy but that doesn't mean that I am also thinking "YOU CRAZY BITCH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?"

I had received a lot of encouragement from my friends and family. Well, my family didn't all the way know about my plans to go back to school. They didn't know I was serious this time. I cry wolf a lot of the time.

My friend, the one who had told me to get back in there and that this was the year to do, was pretty much the only one who knew every single step that I took. Hell, she pretty much still knows every move that I make. She was making sure that I stuck to my guns and did what I needed to do. She helped me fill out forms to get funding….mind you that is another story all on its own. I hate the system that’s out there. (Make me cry and put me in debt. Bastards.)

We all have that one friend who is basically the mother hen. I got one of those. Mind you in our dynamic we all take a shift here and there and become the mother hen. Let the stressed out ones take a night to gather themselves in a night of rambunctious, good for nothing fun. It’s a system that we didn't really know that was even in place till. I am sure even know as my one friend reads this she is like "oh yeah".  {I love you. ha} Our round the house mother hen is always there for a hug and encouragement. The voice of reason. She cheered me on through the whole process. Not always in the traditional sense but she encouraged me.

I love my friends for that. It is the sort of friendship that has begun in daycare. Its what you get in a small community. We have grown up, even predicted our lives. Pretty on par so far. From what I can remember. That's what is so great about us and what works for us. Even though we don't always see each other it is exactly like we haven't missed a beat. Right back in there.

They have been a big help. My support group my family is the foundation but my friends are the pillars and the paddles that give me the push I need to do what needs to be done.

S

What the Hell is Love?

I have never been in love. Never thought to go out and find it. Didn't exactly think it was worth much of my time.

I know that it's out there. I can feel it in songs. You know basic understanding about what this powerful emotion is. But I have never once been enraptured by it. Actually it sounds a lot of bothersome to me. Not one little bit appealing. Don't get me wrong I am happy for the couple out there who say it and know it to be true but for myself. Meh.

I think I have actually only ever seen 3 couples who love, who are friends, who complete each other. The circle. It's there and fitted to each other nicely. Never once did I look at them and think that was what I want. I am gonna go out and look for it. Not a single cell thought that. I don't know if it's because I was finding out at that time I didn't even love myself, or that I didn't want to end up trapped like I have witnessed so much of in my life.

Well to tell you the truth it was probably that last one. And the fact that I got a bad thing for bad attitudes.

I like reading about it. Hearing about it in songs. Seeing it on the screen. When I was in school I wrote a paper on it thinking I was in love with some asshole, which after reading He's Just Not That Into You (yes reading the movie didn't exactly sink in) after reading that I found out that he wasn't that into me as I thought I was into him. Actually it turned out I was using him for stories and not actually wanting to bring him home to meet the partners. God no. Again it never occurred to me to do that. The whole idea kinda made me well I never
Thought about it so I generally I don have a feeling on it. I used this guy as much as he used me, putting it that way because he was no goddamn muse. Just stupid things happens around him. To us when we were together. Made for good material.

I don't look for it though. Sure it is as nice a warm blanket out of the dryer. But it don't seem like my kind of thing. Not yet anyways.

Not until I know what the hell it is.


- Stahrie Nite posted using BlogPress from iPhone

A Fawn Again

I wish there was more then one coherent thought bouncing around. I kind of wish that I had a more brilliant time after a long weekend. But as it is all I want to do is sleep and rest and do what is R&R.

Things I would do on an R&R:
1. Read a book
2. Write
3. Edit a story I've been working on for years.
4. Gap out cause 1-3 took to much brain power.

After a long tiring over emotional weekend that came out of nowhere, like there was some type of black hole that suddenly opened up and hit me in the emotional centre. It's always a hard bit to come out of. Because it feels like I had a party hardy the night before and now with a big hang over. Minus the throbbing headache.

Now don't get me wrong I loved and had a bunch of fun working and meeting new people. It's always a fun time.

It was just a trying time, finding a swing and groove in new but old stylish role. It had made me realize that I do need to learn and relearn things and responsibilities that were old hat to me soon become something new and different and it kind of freaked me out. Once I said that was okay, that it was alright to be new at this I finally relaxed and started to breath again. I just have to keep remembering that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

I just wish I didn't feel like a weak fawn on shaky legs.


- Stahrie Nite posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Fat Pants

Ugh! I have been feeling down and out for awhile now. Alright to be fair I'm never exactly the happy-go-lucky I normally pretend to be. I am the faker. I can just about fake everything, what woman doesn't.

Well anyways. I did it without really, really recognizing this, but I had started to eat a lot more junk. Cravings happen they set right in and strangle you till you give in. I had at one point shut the door on candy cause they suckers are a gateway. Those yummy bastards. Mmm. And I recently discovered the complete badness of jalapeño Cheetos. Now I knew I should have just said no. NO! But I have in to them. I normally can just say no. It's not so much of the chip I like its the crunch. That snap is delicious. It was my favorite thing about being a kid well one of them, I loved to swim, going for walks, skipping. (High School can along and I liked to skip for a whole different reasons. The water just...no.)

Well for awhile now, all my clothes just - I hate clothes and that's not like me. I am a creator of random prints and patterns. It's an enjoyment of mine to put things together and have people guessing how I managed that. These days I like yoga pants or dresses. Sure it's summer why the hell not. So it's not always a pleasure. Sure I look pretty and relaxed only I'm not I feel exposed and uncomfortable. Today is a bloated ass day. So I thought well my comfy jeans well hide that. I also like to wear them when I feel extra fat. To my horror they fit me. Normally they slide off my hips beg for further running over my butt....I was sad.

I was horrified that they fit me. They weren't going to slip or fall. Nope. They were going to stay on. I wanted to cry. It made me think I should do a million sit ups and crunches. It made me not want to eat a thing. It's just better if I sob a little fake cry. (Since I fake everything, right) So I did my "I Love Lucy" cry and smacked my ass before I left the bedroom.

Something needs to change, I need to start saying no more often to things I know that are bad for me. Cause they are bad for me. I need more water in my life. >>However I'll never give up on my coffee. I just can't do it. I won't do it.<< Eating more healthy, saying bye bye to bread and crunchy chip and HELLO carrots (which I love) and a g'day to natural candies like frozen and fresh fruit. Wake my ass up early and get to that gym. FEEL THE BURN!

Maybe even burn those fat pants.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Not Entirely Sure

I am never really sure about how I go about my life. I know that there is many things on here that I don't want to relive again once was good enough for me. It's just one of those things that never really leave you.

Actually I am alright with that. Staying close with all of that. It's kind of a comfort that this happened to me. There are many, many, millions out there that have been going through far worse and what happened to me was just - it most defiantly isn't something that you can just let consume you.

It's like Grandma said "this is going to make you stronger, you'll be able to help others out." When she first said it to me it had hurt me but not that I think about it. . . Actually thinking about it. Yes. It isn't something that is going to define me as a human being, but it has pushed me to where I should have always been. Cause I am strong. Cause I am beautiful. Cause I am Starr. No one but myself can take that away from me.

NO ONE AT ALL.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Starting Over

Nothing like trying to start anew. Nothing like needing that push. Nothing like realizing that if you aren't pushed out of bed by some alarm or by someone who cares you might actually stay there.

Okay I realized this when things starting to go down hill for me. When every little thing would push me down into this deep dark hole that just about takes the life out of me. Clearly something that I need to change about myself. And tomorrow is that day. Tomorrow February 1, 2012.

I don't know what it is about myself but I couldn't for the life of me change in the middle of the month. I mean my original goal date was January 1, 2012, but let's face it...it's me. I'd rather sleep in and never come out of this the year and the hell it took me through. Nope I think it's much better to stew away in this crap and love it up like it were my best friend or something. Hmmm maybe not.

So after going to a small party and drinking my favorite drink Jack Daniel's and the small comfortable hole I put myself through I thought that I would admit to my sister that last year I thought I was pregnant. Yicks. Last year I was all kinds of messed up. Yeah not the time to freak out about having to look after a baby. So, when I woke up the next morning and looked over all of my confession I thought that I would give up drinking all together. I was half way there with drinking here and there, now let's make it full on stop. ^_^ Smoking as well.

Thus starts my starting over. A start to my own self...well getting back to the old girl I use to be. The one funny all the time. Vanity in play and honesty in good working condition. Hair fluffy and shiny. On ward to a brighter future to becoming a ... Nanny.

Yeah. Nanny. Stahrie Nite Nanny.

That's something I'll talk about later. Right now I think I should hit it off with my bed and cuddle the sandman. Just have to close my eyes and that's it. Close them don't open them for nothing. Get Indiana Jones on this sleep.

;D