I wish there was more then one coherent thought bouncing around. I kind of wish that I had a more brilliant time after a long weekend. But as it is all I want to do is sleep and rest and do what is R&R.
Things I would do on an R&R:
1. Read a book
2. Write
3. Edit a story I've been working on for years.
4. Gap out cause 1-3 took to much brain power.
After a long tiring over emotional weekend that came out of nowhere, like there was some type of black hole that suddenly opened up and hit me in the emotional centre. It's always a hard bit to come out of. Because it feels like I had a party hardy the night before and now with a big hang over. Minus the throbbing headache.
Now don't get me wrong I loved and had a bunch of fun working and meeting new people. It's always a fun time.
It was just a trying time, finding a swing and groove in new but old stylish role. It had made me realize that I do need to learn and relearn things and responsibilities that were old hat to me soon become something new and different and it kind of freaked me out. Once I said that was okay, that it was alright to be new at this I finally relaxed and started to breath again. I just have to keep remembering that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.
I just wish I didn't feel like a weak fawn on shaky legs.
- Stahrie Nite posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, August 26, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Fat Pants
Ugh! I have been feeling down and out for awhile now. Alright to be fair I'm never exactly the happy-go-lucky I normally pretend to be. I am the faker. I can just about fake everything, what woman doesn't.
Well anyways. I did it without really, really recognizing this, but I had started to eat a lot more junk. Cravings happen they set right in and strangle you till you give in. I had at one point shut the door on candy cause they suckers are a gateway. Those yummy bastards. Mmm. And I recently discovered the complete badness of jalapeño Cheetos. Now I knew I should have just said no. NO! But I have in to them. I normally can just say no. It's not so much of the chip I like its the crunch. That snap is delicious. It was my favorite thing about being a kid well one of them, I loved to swim, going for walks, skipping. (High School can along and I liked to skip for a whole different reasons. The water just...no.)
Well for awhile now, all my clothes just - I hate clothes and that's not like me. I am a creator of random prints and patterns. It's an enjoyment of mine to put things together and have people guessing how I managed that. These days I like yoga pants or dresses. Sure it's summer why the hell not. So it's not always a pleasure. Sure I look pretty and relaxed only I'm not I feel exposed and uncomfortable. Today is a bloated ass day. So I thought well my comfy jeans well hide that. I also like to wear them when I feel extra fat. To my horror they fit me. Normally they slide off my hips beg for further running over my butt....I was sad.
I was horrified that they fit me. They weren't going to slip or fall. Nope. They were going to stay on. I wanted to cry. It made me think I should do a million sit ups and crunches. It made me not want to eat a thing. It's just better if I sob a little fake cry. (Since I fake everything, right) So I did my "I Love Lucy" cry and smacked my ass before I left the bedroom.
Something needs to change, I need to start saying no more often to things I know that are bad for me. Cause they are bad for me. I need more water in my life. >>However I'll never give up on my coffee. I just can't do it. I won't do it.<< Eating more healthy, saying bye bye to bread and crunchy chip and HELLO carrots (which I love) and a g'day to natural candies like frozen and fresh fruit. Wake my ass up early and get to that gym. FEEL THE BURN!
Maybe even burn those fat pants.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Well anyways. I did it without really, really recognizing this, but I had started to eat a lot more junk. Cravings happen they set right in and strangle you till you give in. I had at one point shut the door on candy cause they suckers are a gateway. Those yummy bastards. Mmm. And I recently discovered the complete badness of jalapeño Cheetos. Now I knew I should have just said no. NO! But I have in to them. I normally can just say no. It's not so much of the chip I like its the crunch. That snap is delicious. It was my favorite thing about being a kid well one of them, I loved to swim, going for walks, skipping. (High School can along and I liked to skip for a whole different reasons. The water just...no.)
Well for awhile now, all my clothes just - I hate clothes and that's not like me. I am a creator of random prints and patterns. It's an enjoyment of mine to put things together and have people guessing how I managed that. These days I like yoga pants or dresses. Sure it's summer why the hell not. So it's not always a pleasure. Sure I look pretty and relaxed only I'm not I feel exposed and uncomfortable. Today is a bloated ass day. So I thought well my comfy jeans well hide that. I also like to wear them when I feel extra fat. To my horror they fit me. Normally they slide off my hips beg for further running over my butt....I was sad.
I was horrified that they fit me. They weren't going to slip or fall. Nope. They were going to stay on. I wanted to cry. It made me think I should do a million sit ups and crunches. It made me not want to eat a thing. It's just better if I sob a little fake cry. (Since I fake everything, right) So I did my "I Love Lucy" cry and smacked my ass before I left the bedroom.
Something needs to change, I need to start saying no more often to things I know that are bad for me. Cause they are bad for me. I need more water in my life. >>However I'll never give up on my coffee. I just can't do it. I won't do it.<< Eating more healthy, saying bye bye to bread and crunchy chip and HELLO carrots (which I love) and a g'day to natural candies like frozen and fresh fruit. Wake my ass up early and get to that gym. FEEL THE BURN!
Maybe even burn those fat pants.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Not Entirely Sure
I am never really sure about how I go about my life. I know that there is many things on here that I don't want to relive again once was good enough for me. It's just one of those things that never really leave you.
Actually I am alright with that. Staying close with all of that. It's kind of a comfort that this happened to me. There are many, many, millions out there that have been going through far worse and what happened to me was just - it most defiantly isn't something that you can just let consume you.
It's like Grandma said "this is going to make you stronger, you'll be able to help others out." When she first said it to me it had hurt me but not that I think about it. . . Actually thinking about it. Yes. It isn't something that is going to define me as a human being, but it has pushed me to where I should have always been. Cause I am strong. Cause I am beautiful. Cause I am Starr. No one but myself can take that away from me.
NO ONE AT ALL.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Actually I am alright with that. Staying close with all of that. It's kind of a comfort that this happened to me. There are many, many, millions out there that have been going through far worse and what happened to me was just - it most defiantly isn't something that you can just let consume you.
It's like Grandma said "this is going to make you stronger, you'll be able to help others out." When she first said it to me it had hurt me but not that I think about it. . . Actually thinking about it. Yes. It isn't something that is going to define me as a human being, but it has pushed me to where I should have always been. Cause I am strong. Cause I am beautiful. Cause I am Starr. No one but myself can take that away from me.
NO ONE AT ALL.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Starting Over
Nothing like trying to start anew. Nothing like needing that push. Nothing like realizing that if you aren't pushed out of bed by some alarm or by someone who cares you might actually stay there.
Okay I realized this when things starting to go down hill for me. When every little thing would push me down into this deep dark hole that just about takes the life out of me. Clearly something that I need to change about myself. And tomorrow is that day. Tomorrow February 1, 2012.
I don't know what it is about myself but I couldn't for the life of me change in the middle of the month. I mean my original goal date was January 1, 2012, but let's face it...it's me. I'd rather sleep in and never come out of this the year and the hell it took me through. Nope I think it's much better to stew away in this crap and love it up like it were my best friend or something. Hmmm maybe not.
So after going to a small party and drinking my favorite drink Jack Daniel's and the small comfortable hole I put myself through I thought that I would admit to my sister that last year I thought I was pregnant. Yicks. Last year I was all kinds of messed up. Yeah not the time to freak out about having to look after a baby. So, when I woke up the next morning and looked over all of my confession I thought that I would give up drinking all together. I was half way there with drinking here and there, now let's make it full on stop. ^_^ Smoking as well.
Thus starts my starting over. A start to my own self...well getting back to the old girl I use to be. The one funny all the time. Vanity in play and honesty in good working condition. Hair fluffy and shiny. On ward to a brighter future to becoming a ... Nanny.
Yeah. Nanny. Stahrie Nite Nanny.
That's something I'll talk about later. Right now I think I should hit it off with my bed and cuddle the sandman. Just have to close my eyes and that's it. Close them don't open them for nothing. Get Indiana Jones on this sleep.
;D
Okay I realized this when things starting to go down hill for me. When every little thing would push me down into this deep dark hole that just about takes the life out of me. Clearly something that I need to change about myself. And tomorrow is that day. Tomorrow February 1, 2012.
I don't know what it is about myself but I couldn't for the life of me change in the middle of the month. I mean my original goal date was January 1, 2012, but let's face it...it's me. I'd rather sleep in and never come out of this the year and the hell it took me through. Nope I think it's much better to stew away in this crap and love it up like it were my best friend or something. Hmmm maybe not.
So after going to a small party and drinking my favorite drink Jack Daniel's and the small comfortable hole I put myself through I thought that I would admit to my sister that last year I thought I was pregnant. Yicks. Last year I was all kinds of messed up. Yeah not the time to freak out about having to look after a baby. So, when I woke up the next morning and looked over all of my confession I thought that I would give up drinking all together. I was half way there with drinking here and there, now let's make it full on stop. ^_^ Smoking as well.
Thus starts my starting over. A start to my own self...well getting back to the old girl I use to be. The one funny all the time. Vanity in play and honesty in good working condition. Hair fluffy and shiny. On ward to a brighter future to becoming a ... Nanny.
Yeah. Nanny. Stahrie Nite Nanny.
That's something I'll talk about later. Right now I think I should hit it off with my bed and cuddle the sandman. Just have to close my eyes and that's it. Close them don't open them for nothing. Get Indiana Jones on this sleep.
;D
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sleepy non-sleeper
I have always been this weird night hawk. I could be up all day tired as anything wanting nothing but my bed. Talking, thinking, nodding off and day-dreaming about my bed. But as soon as it would be time to get some z's and my head hits the pillow...
... Nope not any more. I need to stay awake. That's when my mind comes alive and I can think and talk more clearly. Yeah. That's a load of crap these days. I mean I can think more clearly. That is if I don't speak it out, as in to other people. For some reason I just don't make sense to some. I'm okay with that. Have been now for a while.
Anyway, staying up late would normally mean me working on a new story. Coming up with ideas. Reading a new book and finishing it off during the night. Catching a few winks during the early early morning before having to start the day. I don't know if it's because I'm ... Getting older but I can't do that any more. I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD IM NOT THAT OLD.
Then this thought comes up. What if I have just become one of those blockers. You know writers block. I mean my ideas aren't that good any more and words on edge don't come often. When they do it's kind of like...that's it. That all your brain can come up with?
Not clever Stahrie. Not very clever. Not that I exactly claim I am super duper with the play on words. Always been a little slow when it comes to improve. I think it's probably because I'm a thinker and not really a jump right in and geterdone type of gal. I like to make a pro and con list see which result well produce a bigger laugh. I've always been that way. I like to over think things.
Well I don't really like it. I try to let things go. As it is with most people you really need to vent it out. Which is what I'm doing. Plus checking out the new app. My not sleeping right off the bat is what is bugging me most tonight so...that is that. Now I'll probably wake up tomorrow wondering what I did last night and come back and see this rambling blog and think....fuck. Fuck me for thinking of this. Then I'll laugh at it. Cause after all, I do know how to laugh at myself.
With red face and all.
:D
... Nope not any more. I need to stay awake. That's when my mind comes alive and I can think and talk more clearly. Yeah. That's a load of crap these days. I mean I can think more clearly. That is if I don't speak it out, as in to other people. For some reason I just don't make sense to some. I'm okay with that. Have been now for a while.
Anyway, staying up late would normally mean me working on a new story. Coming up with ideas. Reading a new book and finishing it off during the night. Catching a few winks during the early early morning before having to start the day. I don't know if it's because I'm ... Getting older but I can't do that any more. I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD IM NOT THAT OLD.
Then this thought comes up. What if I have just become one of those blockers. You know writers block. I mean my ideas aren't that good any more and words on edge don't come often. When they do it's kind of like...that's it. That all your brain can come up with?
Not clever Stahrie. Not very clever. Not that I exactly claim I am super duper with the play on words. Always been a little slow when it comes to improve. I think it's probably because I'm a thinker and not really a jump right in and geterdone type of gal. I like to make a pro and con list see which result well produce a bigger laugh. I've always been that way. I like to over think things.
Well I don't really like it. I try to let things go. As it is with most people you really need to vent it out. Which is what I'm doing. Plus checking out the new app. My not sleeping right off the bat is what is bugging me most tonight so...that is that. Now I'll probably wake up tomorrow wondering what I did last night and come back and see this rambling blog and think....fuck. Fuck me for thinking of this. Then I'll laugh at it. Cause after all, I do know how to laugh at myself.
With red face and all.
:D
Saturday, January 15, 2011
| Greed: | Low | |
| Gluttony: | Medium | |
| Wrath: | High | |
| Sloth: | Medium | |
| Envy: | Medium | |
| Lust: | Medium | |
| Pride: | High |
Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Me Again
I feel like I have to reintroduce myself. Since my last .... Before my last entry I was very much a different person. I wasn’t happy anymore. I broke. I could not find my smile. I didn’t laugh anymore. I wasn’t me.
Now that I am doing my best to heal and feel better and find my lovely awesomeness again. Smiling and actually meaning it is like, and forgive me for this, but it’s like when buy that new outfit and when you wear it for the first time. You know you look good, and you see people looking at you like “threes something different about you”
My new smile feels like that. My new smile makes me feel good. The laughs and jokes it feels good to want to be happy and accomplishing it. Bit by bit. But you are. It’s self satisfaction. It alone can bring you joy.
So enough about that, though I could very well go on and on about it. Maybe I’ll do another post about that MAYBE.
So about me. My favorite subject. Well I am a college student, the program I am in right now is the Native Community and Social Development. I would like to work someday with children and youth. I love writing, would also like to take some classes to possibly giving me more skill.
A new goal recently added is to move to Toronto given that I am accepted and can get into a certain program for preforming arts with an aboriginal background. It would help me in my career path that I would like to take as in coming up with new program ideas for my community. Being able to bring something new to my community. Again I could go more deep into this subject, but won’t not this time around. (Makes note of this)
Would love to get more into yoga, running and actually using my roller blades.
Big dreamer. Thats something that wasn’t taken from me. Mind you it was mainly how and where I could go to escape my new dark world. It’s changed it’s brighter. My goals are something that I want to work towards and be accomplished by me and not have shame or hate behind it.
I don’t know right now what else I can share right now. So this is kinda of a new me. Still the happy go lucky crazy nut bar with a loud laugh and kind of a different style of thinking seeing things and style. Me!
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