Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	High
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	High

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Me Again

I feel like I have to reintroduce myself. Since my last .... Before my last entry I was very much a different person. I wasn’t happy anymore. I broke. I could not find my smile. I didn’t laugh anymore. I wasn’t me.

Now that I am doing my best to heal and feel better and find my lovely awesomeness again. Smiling and actually meaning it is like, and forgive me for this, but it’s like when buy that new outfit and when you wear it for the first time. You know you look good, and you see people looking at you like “threes something different about you”

My new smile feels like that. My new smile makes me feel good. The laughs and jokes it feels good to want to be happy and accomplishing it. Bit by bit. But you are. It’s self satisfaction. It alone can bring you joy.

So enough about that, though I could very well go on and on about it. Maybe I’ll do another post about that MAYBE.

So about me. My favorite subject. Well I am a college student, the program I am in right now is the Native Community and Social Development. I would like to work someday with children and youth. I love writing, would also like to take some classes to possibly giving me more skill.

A new goal recently added is to move to Toronto given that I am accepted and can get into a certain program for preforming arts with an aboriginal background. It would help me in my career path that I would like to take as in coming up with new program ideas for my community. Being able to bring something new to my community. Again I could go more deep into this subject, but won’t not this time around. (Makes note of this)

Would love to get more into yoga, running and actually using my roller blades.

Big dreamer. Thats something that wasn’t taken from me. Mind you it was mainly how and where I could go to escape my new dark world. It’s changed it’s brighter. My goals are something that I want to work towards and be accomplished by me and not have shame or hate behind it.

I don’t know right now what else I can share right now. So this is kinda of a new me. Still the happy go lucky crazy nut bar with a loud laugh and kind of a different style of thinking seeing things and style. Me!

Worthy Adventure?

Everyone has a different understanding of what love is. Over many conversations, over many coffees I have tried to understand what it is to have. As people explain to me how it happened to them, I begin to see that I could very well be in love, myself. Never allowing any such emotion make its way towards my person, I could see I had let the powerful joyous emotions hold my hand by a fire, under a star filled night with the air smelling of rain from that afternoon. Was it just a fancy free full of lust and passion through palm to palm hand holding, friendly and innocent. Possibly worse yet, was just what it was friendly and innocent. I begin to ask more questions about this road that I don’t want to go down again. I have seen what it can do to a person both pleasure and pain. Love, though a hardship, pleasant and beautiful is it really worthwhile?

“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox” - Woody Allen (Joffe, 1969)

With the many emotions and definitions of love how can one be sure that they are in love and once coming to the real conclusion that they are, how does one even go about it. Knowing fully that its very shaky grown.

Is it the basic human need to have that companionship. Is it just the basic need of the human race, mating. First thing to trigger when seeing that one particular person is lust and attraction, hormones kick in, chemicals involved start to increase in volume, estrogen and testosterone at their highest.

Tossing of the hair, posing, that joke wasn’t really funny but I’m laughing anyway, “Oh is that my hand on your shoulder, you work out?” All this in the means to take part in a completely natural human act.

The first step you didn’t even know that you were taking you just took towards love. It might not have been your first initial means, the thought of falling in love probably didn’t even cross your mind. However what if one of the said party had a good time and calls you the next week.

It is common to want to advance to another level with someone you have things in common with, meaning you had a great time, it was fun. There is nothing wrong to want that feeling all the time. Attraction and great conversation. Looking for that reciprocal affection that guides it to attachment. If that is found then new stronger feelings start to form but you question them. Then before you know it, three small words, eight tiny letters fall from your lips - I love you.

Unnervingly followed by “here is my key”, “lets move in with each other or hey let’s get that puppy in the window”. Both are par with each other, if not the same thing, it is getting to know how you are with each other, how a household would be ruled between the two of you.

There really is no way to know that you are in love. It is almost as if it just happens. The simplest of actions can rouse the joyful party that was building inside your body. It’s that coming together of every wonderful feeling you could ever have is love and no one ever really knows till there is that action in that one moment. A moment that could be from laying down a jacket over a puddle, writing of a song, a silly joke that no one gets but the two of you, or even the simplest and slights of gestures as holding your hand.

Simply in a few words there is no way to know that you are truly and hopelessly in love. No way to tell other then the fact then you will know when it happens. In the morning sunlight because a great start to a wonderful adventure.

“Love is friendship set on fire” - Jeremy Taylor (Taylor, 2009)

Saying I love you is easy. Building a lasting relationship is work. There is nothing wrong when it comes to hard work in a relationship. Hard work can lead to something more beautiful then one could imagine. Life long friendship. Companionship with someone you have a real connection with.

It is heard all of the time from couples young and old. I am the luckiest person to be in love with my best friend. Some are even as lucky as to be able to refer to that person, that best friend, as soul mate. Its what everyone wants. To be in love with your best friend.

Unlike falling in love, being in it, with someone that you call friend, is marvelous. So much so that when it comes to hard work, you are not even going to know that you are in fact getting a companion. Together you are the happiest you could be.

“Love is like war. Easy to begin but hard to end” - Anonymous (2009)

It would seem that every relationship would no doubt produce its very own share of utter disappointment and insecurity and heartbreaking pain. The unfortunate truth is that anyone who has never been hurt is either very lucky or rather lonely. Normally one wouldn’t mind being that person for a time being but when you hit the centre, the core, heartbreak is part of being human.

A broken heart could be just the same with love sickness. Love Sickness being that of a broken heart of something that might not have ever taken place. A relationship that wouldn’t have happened. You hope though, of course the pain behind that realization is nothing compared to losing someone at the end of what is shared, love and complete affection.

The loss of a person so dear could cause symptoms such as; loss of appetite, partial or complete insomnia, shock, apathy, suicidal thought, fatigue and in extreme cases death.

It is completely okay and acceptable to allow such emotions take over. Its heart warming to know that in a world in such distress it’s inhabitants can still feel love. If love wasn’t worth it would it feel so wonderful. It is the most powerful and beautiful thing that you can give to another person, its right next to forgiveness, just as strong, just a wonderful to know that you have. Nothing can be wrong with either as they bring hope and a new day to everyone that could use some. Love is everything that its cracked up to be. Why do you suppose there are many cynical people about the subject.

[This was an essay I had to do for one of my classes last year.]

August Pains

Its no secret that I have been going through something rather emotionally big this past month. I have been trying and working through the hurt and anger and self disappointment. Bring myself back to life and laughter and full heartily, in all and complete friendliness.

Trying to open up about what had gone on and what could have happened. Is a trying time and hard for me to admit. To admit in the first place to come to terms of what might have been done. I try to understand about why it happened and I can’t think about it to long or I’ll get tired and want to sleep.

I can’t sleep anymore. I spent an entire week. All seven days in a room where I was closing and going into myself and not letting go of the pain and shame I felt. Not letting my voice free. In fact I don’t think I said anything at all that sad and lonely week. I mean I didn’t see anyone and possibly for a second. Maybe I said a thank you when it came to a poster of the wolves from Baby. Nothing else.

Then I started to talk again. I started to remember that I have a brother who I am very close to and would love to be with more. Even more so when I’m sad. He can make me laugh and I can share in jokes and feel light again. I wanted that back. So I shared parts of what went down. I didn’t cry that time. I didn’t let it show that I was that freaked out about anything. Then I shared with some friends.

Actually I shared with a few people first. The next morning (hours later) I had to tell someone. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t told someone. I’m happy to have them in my life this summer.

So I wanted to be in happy again. I wanted to feel again. I wanted to gabber in the gab that I can from time to time. My next step to easing myself was talking to my mother. Letting her know that I was scared and was sleeping more then I should have and crying more then I do. We talked about it and other things. I crawled back into my dark room and slept after I talked with my mother.

Staying in my bed filling my little dark room with shame and tears. Anger didn’t even stay long before I started to fight with myself about what I know and feel about what could have happened.

So she got me to talk things over with a person she knows who could listen to me and help me through some of the things I was feeling. This is when I cried in front of someone who knew everything. My fear. My worry. My shame. My lack of love. I told someone everything. It felt good. To know that someone out there knew everything. To know that someone was there listening to me and understanding my feelings and not turning away from me. Not looking down on me because something...because of something.

The person I was talking with. Had mentioned that I should talk to this other person who would help my inner child. Who would help me to breathe again. Someone who would allow me to work farther into everything.

If I didn’t have DH to talk with I am slightly positive that I wouldn’t have gone back to school. I am sure that I would have been to afraid to be anywhere near people.

I had gone shopping with my mom, sister and niece. I didn’t exactly have a shower that day. My hair was a mess and my clothes were missed matched. The thought of a stranger being so near me crushed my smile that my niece gave me the night before. But I have to get out. I had to feel a connection with something. Around this time I’m eating again its in between the one person I am talking with and DH so I’m not people ready at this point I’m hardly even sister ready by this time.

The night before with the niece, I order Chinese food. Eat more then my share of the food. The next day at lunch I am also eating more then I think my stomach can really hold. However after I finish the meal I bought at the mall I am still hungry and need to eat. I don’t. I can’t. People, crowds of them hovering around. Looking. All within touch. Physical I fold.

Fake smile and I take my niece by the hand. I feel happy. I can breathe and not think about how close that man is to me. Not thinking about how I can eat more. When I know that it would be a mistake to do so.

I’m still working on feeling better. It takes time and I’m back in school which that alone makes me happy. I am talking and laughing again which is more then I can ask for. I still worry about that guy who is too close to me and get overwhelmed when there are tones of people around. That alone is going to be some work.

But I can get through it I have help. I know who is here for me.

^__^

Dreams. Goals. Bucket list.

Dreams. We all have them. I once had this dream about wanting to write all day in this perfect little office and being this wonderful mother to this beautiful little boy (yes it was during my first wave of baby craze). I had just gone back to school and it was an actual thing we had to do. We had to take time out of our day and think about what it is that is going to make us happy. A job or family or yeah. I chose where I wanted to be in ten years. I was 20 when I did that and wrote it done. It was very detailed. Like Hero I think of that little boy, from time to time. (Wondering if I would be a good mother.)

I should say goals. Or the most popular term the bucket list. I was involved in someone’s bucket list last year and it was a wonderful and freeing experience that made me realize and go for things that were either to late or just in time...i say just in time because now I am back in school and loving every minute of it. It was sky-diving. It was the best this I did last year...I mean aside from going back to school.

So anyway I told a friend of mind tonight about dreams. Mainly because he told me one of his. He’s trusting me and I like that. I get a sense of trust when he tells me things. I mean with the latest in my great depressing adventure into the dark, he’s been this little light that makes me laugh. A friend reminding me of my own words. I’ve helped him out a lot as well. Its a growing trust between the two of us.

He said that his dream was stupid. Its so not stupid. (not going to share because its his to share and I’m not going to cross a line.) I had told him that it was a very beautiful dream and should share it with anyone and everyone. I could get the feeling that he was extremely happy about talking about it. Which is what I was aiming for. He was sad about something that had happened before we were talking. So anyway. It said that it was unattainable, he wasn’t going to leave the country....

I get that no one likes to travel. I personal think I would like it given that I travel more.

So in reply to his unattainable dream, is - they feed us, the imagination, driving us towards something. Even if we don’t achieve it, its there and it makes you smile. Bashfully in this state of complete happy giggly (alright I tossed in the giggle just now because I honestly believe that he would giggle. A man giggle, chuckle.) His dream is honestly a very good one and he should work towards it. He should keep learning Italian. In fact I am going to encourage this. I’m already trying to learn it myself.

Dude this friend of mine makes me happy. He makes me happy in the way that my Baby does. Shoot the shit and laugh it off.

So back to dreams and goals to my bucket list.

I’m not actually going to publish my list...still kinda working on it.

1. Learn French and Italian
2. Bungee jumping
3. Live in England for a year. (I actually really want to do this !!)
4. Learn to cook a dish in Italy
5. Learn to sing a French song in France
6. Play a very small, horribly small, part in a Shakespeare play
7. Write a story that can make another person, who isn’t me, tear up or any of the other emotions
8. Learn to dance (ballroom, salsa, belly etc...dance)
9. Throw a drink in someone’s face (not of my nicest of choices I just think that it would be fun)

Thats all that I have for right now...its a work in progress. I have so much more that I would like to add and would love to get done. I just can’t share everything right now. My mind is moving somewhere else...

....I have plans for tomorrow to find a special spot for myself outside that can bring me some kind of happiness. I’m looking forward to it.

:D

To Wake or Not To Wake...???

I have been thinking lately that I have to change things up a little and talk about something else. My something else is Shakespeare. I love William Shakespeare. Not to the extent that I am going to name my small dog after him or anything like that. No! I just enjoy the plays. They don’t leave you with that feeling of...

WHAT! What about that guy? WAIT A MINUTE ITS OVER?

No, all questions are answered. Its all put away in a nice little package. No matter it be dramatic, romance or comedic. Everything is tide together and closes nicely, or rather in most cases sadly that is unless you are dealing with his comedies, which is when the villain gets his uppins and is taken away for be such a villain. That still stands even during this modern time with movies and bad actors terrible lighting.

Thats what I believe I want to explore. Modern take on his plays. This entry now, is only a introduction to what I would like to write. So this is going to be my series, my first series of writings. Where is doesn’t consists of posy-its and little note made everywhere and then lead to nothing and gets either filed away and never thought of again, which gets done a lot as I have just discovered as I have cleaned out my desk.

A little cleaning before school starts. I found all my missing pens and mass amounts of note books and the diary I forgot all about that mainly has mention of one person...

Anyway. I have not decided yet in which order I am going to start, I just know that I am going to be taking a play or a few actually and go over them. So it might be and rather it is the way I am already leaning clearly, the genres.

Which one I start with is going to be a surprise to me and to you!

Look forward to writing and researching...is it such a good reason to start such a task weeks before heading back into school? Actually its brilliant, as I have come to realize my brain has been on summer vacation without me and needs to have a wake-up call. So this is me waking up before class starts. Should be very interesting.

:D

Working on it

I smiled two days in a row. I laughed harder then I have in weeks. I sang along. I held a conversation. I ate food and didn’t feel the need to get sick afterwards. (don’t worry I never did). I went outside and didn’t freak myself out. I didn’t have an anxiety over the amount of people within touching. I felt good.

Mind you I was still freaked the hell out that anything could happen. That at any given time someone could touch me the wrong way and it’ll send me into a crazy pile of emotions. Showing, exposing me. Killing me slowly as I would then have to bare all to the ones that I can’t bare anything to.

I don’t feel bad that I’m not sharing this with anyone. I don’t feel bad anymore, that eating away at my insides has since left me. >.> okay well it lingers there. But its something that I am going to have to live with I already have the two most important people know as much as I can share with them. And another person who know everything, possibly everything.

Can I live with that. For right now I can. For this moment in my life I can go on living like that and be content.

I have been working very hard on being happy again and not withholding myself from everything. I’m trying to think better of people. My problem is that cheaters are people too and should know better. Hateful peoples should leave me a lone. I mean I can almost listen to a full song of The Buble and not want to throw a punch to the nearest male (which is sadly my Baby) I never do though I would never hit anyone where it wasn’t playful. Just the amount of anger inside of me you know.

The amount that was killing me into a coma. Hiding me in a dark room having me curled up in a ball. Shutting everything out. Even my family. Trying to close the door on everything. Failing at that terribly and thankfully as well. If it wasn’t for two others that I almost talk to on a daily basis I don’t think I would have had the strength to breathe. If it wasn’t for the powerful witting comments of a few others I wouldn’t have been able to laugh.

With the help of a few others I can be happy enough for the time being as to seem normal. As to seem like I can walk by myself and not be afraid of what others might say and think about me.

Its still weird though when I look into the mirror. She’s different. She can see that at any given moment she can give into the emotion she fights with and break down and cry. Tear up like no ones business and swim into like she had a choice.

Well I do have a choice I just can’t seem to find my own way up.

It’ll happen and it’ll take time. But I have to forgive myself first.

:’)