I Went Back To School

It was last year around this. Actually it was probably closer to my birthday, now that I really think about it. Well, anyways. I was out for a drive with one of my good, good friends. We had gone for a drive, needed some time to vent and let the shit dry in the breeze of a smoke and the breeze coming in from the windows of her car. 

We are talking about this and that. Nothing that could really stick the minds right now. It was just talk you know. Old fashion girl talk. Possibly even some gossip. My friend had told me that now was the time to go back to school. That's really all I needed was someone other then my mother telling me to go back. To do something. It was a sort of "yeah, yeah, yeah" thing when my mom would say "Listen Starr, you need to do something. Get another job. Go back to school. You need to do something." I love my mom, but I don't always hear her.

Not as much as she would want me to, anyways.

I believe it had taken me a week to actually do it. Partly because I couldn't figure out the websites and didn't want to ask for help. Which is a problem of mine that should be taken care of. Or not. Its fine, everything works out eventually. So after figuring out websites and filling things out and using actual money to pay for this new venture I got a letter saying I was accepted, to university. 

Living in a dorm would take me another 3 months to figure out. Really just mulling that over. Giving it a good thought. Thinking about how it would be. Why I would need to live in dorms, especially since all I hear is good things from people who have lived in dorms. Now I can officially say that I am one of those people who hate the experience.

It is pure bull-poop. I do not know how people are sticking this living for four years. The drama is cray-cray. Yes, I said cray-cray. Because it is

That being said I have never been more happy about what it is that I am doing this past year. It is exhausting. I do question why I am in school. What the hell am I doing here? It is always on the down time that can hurt my brain. When I am amazingly tired. Completely exhausted from the readings and the writings and listening to the drama down the hall. For all of my complaining I don't think that I would change a damn thing about what it is that I am doing. I am actually proud of myself for going in and going in for what it is that I love to do.

Learning all that I can. I want to be able to walk away from this education, this experience and say I am proud of myself. Right now I happy but that doesn't mean that I am also thinking "YOU CRAZY BITCH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?"

I had received a lot of encouragement from my friends and family. Well, my family didn't all the way know about my plans to go back to school. They didn't know I was serious this time. I cry wolf a lot of the time.

My friend, the one who had told me to get back in there and that this was the year to do, was pretty much the only one who knew every single step that I took. Hell, she pretty much still knows every move that I make. She was making sure that I stuck to my guns and did what I needed to do. She helped me fill out forms to get funding….mind you that is another story all on its own. I hate the system that’s out there. (Make me cry and put me in debt. Bastards.)

We all have that one friend who is basically the mother hen. I got one of those. Mind you in our dynamic we all take a shift here and there and become the mother hen. Let the stressed out ones take a night to gather themselves in a night of rambunctious, good for nothing fun. It’s a system that we didn't really know that was even in place till. I am sure even know as my one friend reads this she is like "oh yeah".  {I love you. ha} Our round the house mother hen is always there for a hug and encouragement. The voice of reason. She cheered me on through the whole process. Not always in the traditional sense but she encouraged me.

I love my friends for that. It is the sort of friendship that has begun in daycare. Its what you get in a small community. We have grown up, even predicted our lives. Pretty on par so far. From what I can remember. That's what is so great about us and what works for us. Even though we don't always see each other it is exactly like we haven't missed a beat. Right back in there.

They have been a big help. My support group my family is the foundation but my friends are the pillars and the paddles that give me the push I need to do what needs to be done.

S

What the Hell is Love?

I have never been in love. Never thought to go out and find it. Didn't exactly think it was worth much of my time.

I know that it's out there. I can feel it in songs. You know basic understanding about what this powerful emotion is. But I have never once been enraptured by it. Actually it sounds a lot of bothersome to me. Not one little bit appealing. Don't get me wrong I am happy for the couple out there who say it and know it to be true but for myself. Meh.

I think I have actually only ever seen 3 couples who love, who are friends, who complete each other. The circle. It's there and fitted to each other nicely. Never once did I look at them and think that was what I want. I am gonna go out and look for it. Not a single cell thought that. I don't know if it's because I was finding out at that time I didn't even love myself, or that I didn't want to end up trapped like I have witnessed so much of in my life.

Well to tell you the truth it was probably that last one. And the fact that I got a bad thing for bad attitudes.

I like reading about it. Hearing about it in songs. Seeing it on the screen. When I was in school I wrote a paper on it thinking I was in love with some asshole, which after reading He's Just Not That Into You (yes reading the movie didn't exactly sink in) after reading that I found out that he wasn't that into me as I thought I was into him. Actually it turned out I was using him for stories and not actually wanting to bring him home to meet the partners. God no. Again it never occurred to me to do that. The whole idea kinda made me well I never
Thought about it so I generally I don have a feeling on it. I used this guy as much as he used me, putting it that way because he was no goddamn muse. Just stupid things happens around him. To us when we were together. Made for good material.

I don't look for it though. Sure it is as nice a warm blanket out of the dryer. But it don't seem like my kind of thing. Not yet anyways.

Not until I know what the hell it is.


- Stahrie Nite posted using BlogPress from iPhone

A Fawn Again

I wish there was more then one coherent thought bouncing around. I kind of wish that I had a more brilliant time after a long weekend. But as it is all I want to do is sleep and rest and do what is R&R.

Things I would do on an R&R:
1. Read a book
2. Write
3. Edit a story I've been working on for years.
4. Gap out cause 1-3 took to much brain power.

After a long tiring over emotional weekend that came out of nowhere, like there was some type of black hole that suddenly opened up and hit me in the emotional centre. It's always a hard bit to come out of. Because it feels like I had a party hardy the night before and now with a big hang over. Minus the throbbing headache.

Now don't get me wrong I loved and had a bunch of fun working and meeting new people. It's always a fun time.

It was just a trying time, finding a swing and groove in new but old stylish role. It had made me realize that I do need to learn and relearn things and responsibilities that were old hat to me soon become something new and different and it kind of freaked me out. Once I said that was okay, that it was alright to be new at this I finally relaxed and started to breath again. I just have to keep remembering that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

I just wish I didn't feel like a weak fawn on shaky legs.


- Stahrie Nite posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Fat Pants

Ugh! I have been feeling down and out for awhile now. Alright to be fair I'm never exactly the happy-go-lucky I normally pretend to be. I am the faker. I can just about fake everything, what woman doesn't.

Well anyways. I did it without really, really recognizing this, but I had started to eat a lot more junk. Cravings happen they set right in and strangle you till you give in. I had at one point shut the door on candy cause they suckers are a gateway. Those yummy bastards. Mmm. And I recently discovered the complete badness of jalapeño Cheetos. Now I knew I should have just said no. NO! But I have in to them. I normally can just say no. It's not so much of the chip I like its the crunch. That snap is delicious. It was my favorite thing about being a kid well one of them, I loved to swim, going for walks, skipping. (High School can along and I liked to skip for a whole different reasons. The water just...no.)

Well for awhile now, all my clothes just - I hate clothes and that's not like me. I am a creator of random prints and patterns. It's an enjoyment of mine to put things together and have people guessing how I managed that. These days I like yoga pants or dresses. Sure it's summer why the hell not. So it's not always a pleasure. Sure I look pretty and relaxed only I'm not I feel exposed and uncomfortable. Today is a bloated ass day. So I thought well my comfy jeans well hide that. I also like to wear them when I feel extra fat. To my horror they fit me. Normally they slide off my hips beg for further running over my butt....I was sad.

I was horrified that they fit me. They weren't going to slip or fall. Nope. They were going to stay on. I wanted to cry. It made me think I should do a million sit ups and crunches. It made me not want to eat a thing. It's just better if I sob a little fake cry. (Since I fake everything, right) So I did my "I Love Lucy" cry and smacked my ass before I left the bedroom.

Something needs to change, I need to start saying no more often to things I know that are bad for me. Cause they are bad for me. I need more water in my life. >>However I'll never give up on my coffee. I just can't do it. I won't do it.<< Eating more healthy, saying bye bye to bread and crunchy chip and HELLO carrots (which I love) and a g'day to natural candies like frozen and fresh fruit. Wake my ass up early and get to that gym. FEEL THE BURN!

Maybe even burn those fat pants.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Not Entirely Sure

I am never really sure about how I go about my life. I know that there is many things on here that I don't want to relive again once was good enough for me. It's just one of those things that never really leave you.

Actually I am alright with that. Staying close with all of that. It's kind of a comfort that this happened to me. There are many, many, millions out there that have been going through far worse and what happened to me was just - it most defiantly isn't something that you can just let consume you.

It's like Grandma said "this is going to make you stronger, you'll be able to help others out." When she first said it to me it had hurt me but not that I think about it. . . Actually thinking about it. Yes. It isn't something that is going to define me as a human being, but it has pushed me to where I should have always been. Cause I am strong. Cause I am beautiful. Cause I am Starr. No one but myself can take that away from me.

NO ONE AT ALL.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Starting Over

Nothing like trying to start anew. Nothing like needing that push. Nothing like realizing that if you aren't pushed out of bed by some alarm or by someone who cares you might actually stay there.

Okay I realized this when things starting to go down hill for me. When every little thing would push me down into this deep dark hole that just about takes the life out of me. Clearly something that I need to change about myself. And tomorrow is that day. Tomorrow February 1, 2012.

I don't know what it is about myself but I couldn't for the life of me change in the middle of the month. I mean my original goal date was January 1, 2012, but let's face it...it's me. I'd rather sleep in and never come out of this the year and the hell it took me through. Nope I think it's much better to stew away in this crap and love it up like it were my best friend or something. Hmmm maybe not.

So after going to a small party and drinking my favorite drink Jack Daniel's and the small comfortable hole I put myself through I thought that I would admit to my sister that last year I thought I was pregnant. Yicks. Last year I was all kinds of messed up. Yeah not the time to freak out about having to look after a baby. So, when I woke up the next morning and looked over all of my confession I thought that I would give up drinking all together. I was half way there with drinking here and there, now let's make it full on stop. ^_^ Smoking as well.

Thus starts my starting over. A start to my own self...well getting back to the old girl I use to be. The one funny all the time. Vanity in play and honesty in good working condition. Hair fluffy and shiny. On ward to a brighter future to becoming a ... Nanny.

Yeah. Nanny. Stahrie Nite Nanny.

That's something I'll talk about later. Right now I think I should hit it off with my bed and cuddle the sandman. Just have to close my eyes and that's it. Close them don't open them for nothing. Get Indiana Jones on this sleep.

;D

Sleepy non-sleeper

I have always been this weird night hawk. I could be up all day tired as anything wanting nothing but my bed. Talking, thinking, nodding off and day-dreaming about my bed. But as soon as it would be time to get some z's and my head hits the pillow...

... Nope not any more. I need to stay awake. That's when my mind comes alive and I can think and talk more clearly. Yeah. That's a load of crap these days. I mean I can think more clearly. That is if I don't speak it out, as in to other people. For some reason I just don't make sense to some. I'm okay with that. Have been now for a while.

Anyway, staying up late would normally mean me working on a new story. Coming up with ideas. Reading a new book and finishing it off during the night. Catching a few winks during the early early morning before having to start the day. I don't know if it's because I'm ... Getting older but I can't do that any more. I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD IM NOT THAT OLD.

Then this thought comes up. What if I have just become one of those blockers. You know writers block. I mean my ideas aren't that good any more and words on edge don't come often. When they do it's kind of like...that's it. That all your brain can come up with?

Not clever Stahrie. Not very clever. Not that I exactly claim I am super duper with the play on words. Always been a little slow when it comes to improve. I think it's probably because I'm a thinker and not really a jump right in and geterdone type of gal. I like to make a pro and con list see which result well produce a bigger laugh. I've always been that way. I like to over think things.

Well I don't really like it. I try to let things go. As it is with most people you really need to vent it out. Which is what I'm doing. Plus checking out the new app. My not sleeping right off the bat is what is bugging me most tonight so...that is that. Now I'll probably wake up tomorrow wondering what I did last night and come back and see this rambling blog and think....fuck. Fuck me for thinking of this. Then I'll laugh at it. Cause after all, I do know how to laugh at myself.

With red face and all.

:D