What's Inside: Blood Memory

I'm laying in bed and listening to a few N.W.A songs. These things don't have a connection really, just setting up a scene for you. So, I am laying in bed and listening to N.W.A, a part of a song comes on and it takes me to a time I hadn't expected to go to. Latchkey. Jokes and definitions aside, it was a recreational program, for the kids. One of the best part of my childhood. It was just a mesh of kids hanging out in building with adult supervision.

It's summer time in this memory.

I guess our camping trip got canceled or something along those lines. I can remember how we were in the rec building, now the C.A.R.D building. Normally we would go to Algonquin Provincial Park for a trip. It was annual. The saying "if it isn't broke, don't fix it" comes in play a lot in my community. There was another camping trip that we would go on and it is escaping me right now. (It came to me, Niagara Falls.)

That aside, we are staying in the building. We all tell stories, as any group of kids would. Prior to the night, we had probably had teachings. Teachings of our culture. Not all of us come from families that practice the traditional ways. It is something that would come back to us time and time again. Different examples of feeling safe, keeping each other safe.

Around the fire, still during the daytime, I should mention. We notice that there are birds flying above us. Just flying in circles. One was a nice bird, the other not as much. It was like a game of chase. Just the one wasn't in on the game. We go on through the usual ghost stories. Tradition, why break it.

At one point the boys get it in their head that they need to call out this bird. Rightly so, he was clearly picking on the other one. I should note now that these birds are seagulls. Originally we thought that they would be after our hotdogs that we were cooking by the fire. It isn't the case, however. This we all realize after a while.

The names that we had given to them were in relation to what we had learned earlier that week. The mean gull is now peaking and picking at the other one. The guys shout out, "this guy is a dick". "Hey get off of I think, Steve". (I know that it was a name that was very human and not anyone in the group.) Everyone is shouting, a few of us "pray". Not at all in the traditional sense of invocating. From either culture that we might be referencing. There is a church in our community.

A few of the girls would attend. Not I, however.

We weren't praying to God or the Creator in the religious and spiritual sense. Not yet. It was more of a sarcastic manner. "Let this dick seagull leave, Steve alone." For an example. It was something along those lines. When it came to this program we were a little bit mouthy. Depending who the counselor was at the time. There was a handful that none of us took very seriously. I am sure they never thought much of themselves either. I mean in the role.

Getting right to where I meant to get. We laid down some tobacco. The memory is hazed and not as strong as once was. I haven't thought about the bird since it happened. It could have been a dream I had that night in the rec building. It still counts as a memory, doesn't it.

We laid down the tobacco for the seagull that was now hurt. Even tossed him some food, strongly suggested from the older people to not feed them. As they would keep asking for food. Of course, we did anyways. They damn bird was just beaten up by a fellow gull.

Throughout our childhood and a bit in our teens this would happen again. Not the birds but the call back to who we are. What we feel inside of ourselves. I would think that it is a tool that is barely used in our arsenal. It is something that is there. Some of us don't know how to go about it, feel out of place even thinking about our culture. That fear is yet another thing that is inside of us. Tipping the balance inside.

Every so often I am reminded of these events in the past. The past where I can remember having the best times. Laughing and giggling with friends. Most of these people who I am not all that close with nowadays. But still see at times, as these kids; wild, brown and mouthy. Alright, some of us might be a little taller, maybe a little rounder. Still mouthy and toning down on the wild part.

Post Script 

I do realize that I am an 'N' away from Seagal.

I Went Back To School

It was last year around this. Actually it was probably closer to my birthday, now that I really think about it. Well, anyways. I was out for a drive with one of my good, good friends. We had gone for a drive, needed some time to vent and let the shit dry in the breeze of a smoke and the breeze coming in from the windows of her car. 

We are talking about this and that. Nothing that could really stick the minds right now. It was just talk you know. Old fashion girl talk. Possibly even some gossip. My friend had told me that now was the time to go back to school. That's really all I needed was someone other then my mother telling me to go back. To do something. It was a sort of "yeah, yeah, yeah" thing when my mom would say "Listen Starr, you need to do something. Get another job. Go back to school. You need to do something." I love my mom, but I don't always hear her.

Not as much as she would want me to, anyways.

I believe it had taken me a week to actually do it. Partly because I couldn't figure out the websites and didn't want to ask for help. Which is a problem of mine that should be taken care of. Or not. Its fine, everything works out eventually. So after figuring out websites and filling things out and using actual money to pay for this new venture I got a letter saying I was accepted, to university. 

Living in a dorm would take me another 3 months to figure out. Really just mulling that over. Giving it a good thought. Thinking about how it would be. Why I would need to live in dorms, especially since all I hear is good things from people who have lived in dorms. Now I can officially say that I am one of those people who hate the experience.

It is pure bull-poop. I do not know how people are sticking this living for four years. The drama is cray-cray. Yes, I said cray-cray. Because it is

That being said I have never been more happy about what it is that I am doing this past year. It is exhausting. I do question why I am in school. What the hell am I doing here? It is always on the down time that can hurt my brain. When I am amazingly tired. Completely exhausted from the readings and the writings and listening to the drama down the hall. For all of my complaining I don't think that I would change a damn thing about what it is that I am doing. I am actually proud of myself for going in and going in for what it is that I love to do.

Learning all that I can. I want to be able to walk away from this education, this experience and say I am proud of myself. Right now I happy but that doesn't mean that I am also thinking "YOU CRAZY BITCH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?"

I had received a lot of encouragement from my friends and family. Well, my family didn't all the way know about my plans to go back to school. They didn't know I was serious this time. I cry wolf a lot of the time.

My friend, the one who had told me to get back in there and that this was the year to do, was pretty much the only one who knew every single step that I took. Hell, she pretty much still knows every move that I make. She was making sure that I stuck to my guns and did what I needed to do. She helped me fill out forms to get funding….mind you that is another story all on its own. I hate the system that’s out there. (Make me cry and put me in debt. Bastards.)

We all have that one friend who is basically the mother hen. I got one of those. Mind you in our dynamic we all take a shift here and there and become the mother hen. Let the stressed out ones take a night to gather themselves in a night of rambunctious, good for nothing fun. It’s a system that we didn't really know that was even in place till. I am sure even know as my one friend reads this she is like "oh yeah".  {I love you. ha} Our round the house mother hen is always there for a hug and encouragement. The voice of reason. She cheered me on through the whole process. Not always in the traditional sense but she encouraged me.

I love my friends for that. It is the sort of friendship that has begun in daycare. Its what you get in a small community. We have grown up, even predicted our lives. Pretty on par so far. From what I can remember. That's what is so great about us and what works for us. Even though we don't always see each other it is exactly like we haven't missed a beat. Right back in there.

They have been a big help. My support group my family is the foundation but my friends are the pillars and the paddles that give me the push I need to do what needs to be done.

S

What the Hell is Love?

I have never been in love. Never thought to go out and find it. Didn't exactly think it was worth much of my time.

I know that it's out there. I can feel it in songs. You know basic understanding about what this powerful emotion is. But I have never once been enraptured by it. Actually it sounds a lot of bothersome to me. Not one little bit appealing. Don't get me wrong I am happy for the couple out there who say it and know it to be true but for myself. Meh.

I think I have actually only ever seen 3 couples who love, who are friends, who complete each other. The circle. It's there and fitted to each other nicely. Never once did I look at them and think that was what I want. I am gonna go out and look for it. Not a single cell thought that. I don't know if it's because I was finding out at that time I didn't even love myself, or that I didn't want to end up trapped like I have witnessed so much of in my life.

Well to tell you the truth it was probably that last one. And the fact that I got a bad thing for bad attitudes.

I like reading about it. Hearing about it in songs. Seeing it on the screen. When I was in school I wrote a paper on it thinking I was in love with some asshole, which after reading He's Just Not That Into You (yes reading the movie didn't exactly sink in) after reading that I found out that he wasn't that into me as I thought I was into him. Actually it turned out I was using him for stories and not actually wanting to bring him home to meet the partners. God no. Again it never occurred to me to do that. The whole idea kinda made me well I never
Thought about it so I generally I don have a feeling on it. I used this guy as much as he used me, putting it that way because he was no goddamn muse. Just stupid things happens around him. To us when we were together. Made for good material.

I don't look for it though. Sure it is as nice a warm blanket out of the dryer. But it don't seem like my kind of thing. Not yet anyways.

Not until I know what the hell it is.


- Stahrie Nite posted using BlogPress from iPhone

A Fawn Again

I wish there was more then one coherent thought bouncing around. I kind of wish that I had a more brilliant time after a long weekend. But as it is all I want to do is sleep and rest and do what is R&R.

Things I would do on an R&R:
1. Read a book
2. Write
3. Edit a story I've been working on for years.
4. Gap out cause 1-3 took to much brain power.

After a long tiring over emotional weekend that came out of nowhere, like there was some type of black hole that suddenly opened up and hit me in the emotional centre. It's always a hard bit to come out of. Because it feels like I had a party hardy the night before and now with a big hang over. Minus the throbbing headache.

Now don't get me wrong I loved and had a bunch of fun working and meeting new people. It's always a fun time.

It was just a trying time, finding a swing and groove in new but old stylish role. It had made me realize that I do need to learn and relearn things and responsibilities that were old hat to me soon become something new and different and it kind of freaked me out. Once I said that was okay, that it was alright to be new at this I finally relaxed and started to breath again. I just have to keep remembering that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

I just wish I didn't feel like a weak fawn on shaky legs.


- Stahrie Nite posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Fat Pants

Ugh! I have been feeling down and out for awhile now. Alright to be fair I'm never exactly the happy-go-lucky I normally pretend to be. I am the faker. I can just about fake everything, what woman doesn't.

Well anyways. I did it without really, really recognizing this, but I had started to eat a lot more junk. Cravings happen they set right in and strangle you till you give in. I had at one point shut the door on candy cause they suckers are a gateway. Those yummy bastards. Mmm. And I recently discovered the complete badness of jalapeño Cheetos. Now I knew I should have just said no. NO! But I have in to them. I normally can just say no. It's not so much of the chip I like its the crunch. That snap is delicious. It was my favorite thing about being a kid well one of them, I loved to swim, going for walks, skipping. (High School can along and I liked to skip for a whole different reasons. The water just...no.)

Well for awhile now, all my clothes just - I hate clothes and that's not like me. I am a creator of random prints and patterns. It's an enjoyment of mine to put things together and have people guessing how I managed that. These days I like yoga pants or dresses. Sure it's summer why the hell not. So it's not always a pleasure. Sure I look pretty and relaxed only I'm not I feel exposed and uncomfortable. Today is a bloated ass day. So I thought well my comfy jeans well hide that. I also like to wear them when I feel extra fat. To my horror they fit me. Normally they slide off my hips beg for further running over my butt....I was sad.

I was horrified that they fit me. They weren't going to slip or fall. Nope. They were going to stay on. I wanted to cry. It made me think I should do a million sit ups and crunches. It made me not want to eat a thing. It's just better if I sob a little fake cry. (Since I fake everything, right) So I did my "I Love Lucy" cry and smacked my ass before I left the bedroom.

Something needs to change, I need to start saying no more often to things I know that are bad for me. Cause they are bad for me. I need more water in my life. >>However I'll never give up on my coffee. I just can't do it. I won't do it.<< Eating more healthy, saying bye bye to bread and crunchy chip and HELLO carrots (which I love) and a g'day to natural candies like frozen and fresh fruit. Wake my ass up early and get to that gym. FEEL THE BURN!

Maybe even burn those fat pants.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Not Entirely Sure

I am never really sure about how I go about my life. I know that there is many things on here that I don't want to relive again once was good enough for me. It's just one of those things that never really leave you.

Actually I am alright with that. Staying close with all of that. It's kind of a comfort that this happened to me. There are many, many, millions out there that have been going through far worse and what happened to me was just - it most defiantly isn't something that you can just let consume you.

It's like Grandma said "this is going to make you stronger, you'll be able to help others out." When she first said it to me it had hurt me but not that I think about it. . . Actually thinking about it. Yes. It isn't something that is going to define me as a human being, but it has pushed me to where I should have always been. Cause I am strong. Cause I am beautiful. Cause I am Starr. No one but myself can take that away from me.

NO ONE AT ALL.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Starting Over

Nothing like trying to start anew. Nothing like needing that push. Nothing like realizing that if you aren't pushed out of bed by some alarm or by someone who cares you might actually stay there.

Okay I realized this when things starting to go down hill for me. When every little thing would push me down into this deep dark hole that just about takes the life out of me. Clearly something that I need to change about myself. And tomorrow is that day. Tomorrow February 1, 2012.

I don't know what it is about myself but I couldn't for the life of me change in the middle of the month. I mean my original goal date was January 1, 2012, but let's face it...it's me. I'd rather sleep in and never come out of this the year and the hell it took me through. Nope I think it's much better to stew away in this crap and love it up like it were my best friend or something. Hmmm maybe not.

So after going to a small party and drinking my favorite drink Jack Daniel's and the small comfortable hole I put myself through I thought that I would admit to my sister that last year I thought I was pregnant. Yicks. Last year I was all kinds of messed up. Yeah not the time to freak out about having to look after a baby. So, when I woke up the next morning and looked over all of my confession I thought that I would give up drinking all together. I was half way there with drinking here and there, now let's make it full on stop. ^_^ Smoking as well.

Thus starts my starting over. A start to my own self...well getting back to the old girl I use to be. The one funny all the time. Vanity in play and honesty in good working condition. Hair fluffy and shiny. On ward to a brighter future to becoming a ... Nanny.

Yeah. Nanny. Stahrie Nite Nanny.

That's something I'll talk about later. Right now I think I should hit it off with my bed and cuddle the sandman. Just have to close my eyes and that's it. Close them don't open them for nothing. Get Indiana Jones on this sleep.

;D

Sleepy non-sleeper

I have always been this weird night hawk. I could be up all day tired as anything wanting nothing but my bed. Talking, thinking, nodding off and day-dreaming about my bed. But as soon as it would be time to get some z's and my head hits the pillow...

... Nope not any more. I need to stay awake. That's when my mind comes alive and I can think and talk more clearly. Yeah. That's a load of crap these days. I mean I can think more clearly. That is if I don't speak it out, as in to other people. For some reason I just don't make sense to some. I'm okay with that. Have been now for a while.

Anyway, staying up late would normally mean me working on a new story. Coming up with ideas. Reading a new book and finishing it off during the night. Catching a few winks during the early early morning before having to start the day. I don't know if it's because I'm ... Getting older but I can't do that any more. I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD IM NOT THAT OLD.

Then this thought comes up. What if I have just become one of those blockers. You know writers block. I mean my ideas aren't that good any more and words on edge don't come often. When they do it's kind of like...that's it. That all your brain can come up with?

Not clever Stahrie. Not very clever. Not that I exactly claim I am super duper with the play on words. Always been a little slow when it comes to improve. I think it's probably because I'm a thinker and not really a jump right in and geterdone type of gal. I like to make a pro and con list see which result well produce a bigger laugh. I've always been that way. I like to over think things.

Well I don't really like it. I try to let things go. As it is with most people you really need to vent it out. Which is what I'm doing. Plus checking out the new app. My not sleeping right off the bat is what is bugging me most tonight so...that is that. Now I'll probably wake up tomorrow wondering what I did last night and come back and see this rambling blog and think....fuck. Fuck me for thinking of this. Then I'll laugh at it. Cause after all, I do know how to laugh at myself.

With red face and all.

:D

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	High
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	High

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Me Again

I feel like I have to reintroduce myself. Since my last .... Before my last entry I was very much a different person. I wasn’t happy anymore. I broke. I could not find my smile. I didn’t laugh anymore. I wasn’t me.

Now that I am doing my best to heal and feel better and find my lovely awesomeness again. Smiling and actually meaning it is like, and forgive me for this, but it’s like when buy that new outfit and when you wear it for the first time. You know you look good, and you see people looking at you like “threes something different about you”

My new smile feels like that. My new smile makes me feel good. The laughs and jokes it feels good to want to be happy and accomplishing it. Bit by bit. But you are. It’s self satisfaction. It alone can bring you joy.

So enough about that, though I could very well go on and on about it. Maybe I’ll do another post about that MAYBE.

So about me. My favorite subject. Well I am a college student, the program I am in right now is the Native Community and Social Development. I would like to work someday with children and youth. I love writing, would also like to take some classes to possibly giving me more skill.

A new goal recently added is to move to Toronto given that I am accepted and can get into a certain program for preforming arts with an aboriginal background. It would help me in my career path that I would like to take as in coming up with new program ideas for my community. Being able to bring something new to my community. Again I could go more deep into this subject, but won’t not this time around. (Makes note of this)

Would love to get more into yoga, running and actually using my roller blades.

Big dreamer. Thats something that wasn’t taken from me. Mind you it was mainly how and where I could go to escape my new dark world. It’s changed it’s brighter. My goals are something that I want to work towards and be accomplished by me and not have shame or hate behind it.

I don’t know right now what else I can share right now. So this is kinda of a new me. Still the happy go lucky crazy nut bar with a loud laugh and kind of a different style of thinking seeing things and style. Me!

Worthy Adventure?

Everyone has a different understanding of what love is. Over many conversations, over many coffees I have tried to understand what it is to have. As people explain to me how it happened to them, I begin to see that I could very well be in love, myself. Never allowing any such emotion make its way towards my person, I could see I had let the powerful joyous emotions hold my hand by a fire, under a star filled night with the air smelling of rain from that afternoon. Was it just a fancy free full of lust and passion through palm to palm hand holding, friendly and innocent. Possibly worse yet, was just what it was friendly and innocent. I begin to ask more questions about this road that I don’t want to go down again. I have seen what it can do to a person both pleasure and pain. Love, though a hardship, pleasant and beautiful is it really worthwhile?

“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox” - Woody Allen (Joffe, 1969)

With the many emotions and definitions of love how can one be sure that they are in love and once coming to the real conclusion that they are, how does one even go about it. Knowing fully that its very shaky grown.

Is it the basic human need to have that companionship. Is it just the basic need of the human race, mating. First thing to trigger when seeing that one particular person is lust and attraction, hormones kick in, chemicals involved start to increase in volume, estrogen and testosterone at their highest.

Tossing of the hair, posing, that joke wasn’t really funny but I’m laughing anyway, “Oh is that my hand on your shoulder, you work out?” All this in the means to take part in a completely natural human act.

The first step you didn’t even know that you were taking you just took towards love. It might not have been your first initial means, the thought of falling in love probably didn’t even cross your mind. However what if one of the said party had a good time and calls you the next week.

It is common to want to advance to another level with someone you have things in common with, meaning you had a great time, it was fun. There is nothing wrong to want that feeling all the time. Attraction and great conversation. Looking for that reciprocal affection that guides it to attachment. If that is found then new stronger feelings start to form but you question them. Then before you know it, three small words, eight tiny letters fall from your lips - I love you.

Unnervingly followed by “here is my key”, “lets move in with each other or hey let’s get that puppy in the window”. Both are par with each other, if not the same thing, it is getting to know how you are with each other, how a household would be ruled between the two of you.

There really is no way to know that you are in love. It is almost as if it just happens. The simplest of actions can rouse the joyful party that was building inside your body. It’s that coming together of every wonderful feeling you could ever have is love and no one ever really knows till there is that action in that one moment. A moment that could be from laying down a jacket over a puddle, writing of a song, a silly joke that no one gets but the two of you, or even the simplest and slights of gestures as holding your hand.

Simply in a few words there is no way to know that you are truly and hopelessly in love. No way to tell other then the fact then you will know when it happens. In the morning sunlight because a great start to a wonderful adventure.

“Love is friendship set on fire” - Jeremy Taylor (Taylor, 2009)

Saying I love you is easy. Building a lasting relationship is work. There is nothing wrong when it comes to hard work in a relationship. Hard work can lead to something more beautiful then one could imagine. Life long friendship. Companionship with someone you have a real connection with.

It is heard all of the time from couples young and old. I am the luckiest person to be in love with my best friend. Some are even as lucky as to be able to refer to that person, that best friend, as soul mate. Its what everyone wants. To be in love with your best friend.

Unlike falling in love, being in it, with someone that you call friend, is marvelous. So much so that when it comes to hard work, you are not even going to know that you are in fact getting a companion. Together you are the happiest you could be.

“Love is like war. Easy to begin but hard to end” - Anonymous (2009)

It would seem that every relationship would no doubt produce its very own share of utter disappointment and insecurity and heartbreaking pain. The unfortunate truth is that anyone who has never been hurt is either very lucky or rather lonely. Normally one wouldn’t mind being that person for a time being but when you hit the centre, the core, heartbreak is part of being human.

A broken heart could be just the same with love sickness. Love Sickness being that of a broken heart of something that might not have ever taken place. A relationship that wouldn’t have happened. You hope though, of course the pain behind that realization is nothing compared to losing someone at the end of what is shared, love and complete affection.

The loss of a person so dear could cause symptoms such as; loss of appetite, partial or complete insomnia, shock, apathy, suicidal thought, fatigue and in extreme cases death.

It is completely okay and acceptable to allow such emotions take over. Its heart warming to know that in a world in such distress it’s inhabitants can still feel love. If love wasn’t worth it would it feel so wonderful. It is the most powerful and beautiful thing that you can give to another person, its right next to forgiveness, just as strong, just a wonderful to know that you have. Nothing can be wrong with either as they bring hope and a new day to everyone that could use some. Love is everything that its cracked up to be. Why do you suppose there are many cynical people about the subject.

[This was an essay I had to do for one of my classes last year.]

August Pains

Its no secret that I have been going through something rather emotionally big this past month. I have been trying and working through the hurt and anger and self disappointment. Bring myself back to life and laughter and full heartily, in all and complete friendliness.

Trying to open up about what had gone on and what could have happened. Is a trying time and hard for me to admit. To admit in the first place to come to terms of what might have been done. I try to understand about why it happened and I can’t think about it to long or I’ll get tired and want to sleep.

I can’t sleep anymore. I spent an entire week. All seven days in a room where I was closing and going into myself and not letting go of the pain and shame I felt. Not letting my voice free. In fact I don’t think I said anything at all that sad and lonely week. I mean I didn’t see anyone and possibly for a second. Maybe I said a thank you when it came to a poster of the wolves from Baby. Nothing else.

Then I started to talk again. I started to remember that I have a brother who I am very close to and would love to be with more. Even more so when I’m sad. He can make me laugh and I can share in jokes and feel light again. I wanted that back. So I shared parts of what went down. I didn’t cry that time. I didn’t let it show that I was that freaked out about anything. Then I shared with some friends.

Actually I shared with a few people first. The next morning (hours later) I had to tell someone. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t told someone. I’m happy to have them in my life this summer.

So I wanted to be in happy again. I wanted to feel again. I wanted to gabber in the gab that I can from time to time. My next step to easing myself was talking to my mother. Letting her know that I was scared and was sleeping more then I should have and crying more then I do. We talked about it and other things. I crawled back into my dark room and slept after I talked with my mother.

Staying in my bed filling my little dark room with shame and tears. Anger didn’t even stay long before I started to fight with myself about what I know and feel about what could have happened.

So she got me to talk things over with a person she knows who could listen to me and help me through some of the things I was feeling. This is when I cried in front of someone who knew everything. My fear. My worry. My shame. My lack of love. I told someone everything. It felt good. To know that someone out there knew everything. To know that someone was there listening to me and understanding my feelings and not turning away from me. Not looking down on me because something...because of something.

The person I was talking with. Had mentioned that I should talk to this other person who would help my inner child. Who would help me to breathe again. Someone who would allow me to work farther into everything.

If I didn’t have DH to talk with I am slightly positive that I wouldn’t have gone back to school. I am sure that I would have been to afraid to be anywhere near people.

I had gone shopping with my mom, sister and niece. I didn’t exactly have a shower that day. My hair was a mess and my clothes were missed matched. The thought of a stranger being so near me crushed my smile that my niece gave me the night before. But I have to get out. I had to feel a connection with something. Around this time I’m eating again its in between the one person I am talking with and DH so I’m not people ready at this point I’m hardly even sister ready by this time.

The night before with the niece, I order Chinese food. Eat more then my share of the food. The next day at lunch I am also eating more then I think my stomach can really hold. However after I finish the meal I bought at the mall I am still hungry and need to eat. I don’t. I can’t. People, crowds of them hovering around. Looking. All within touch. Physical I fold.

Fake smile and I take my niece by the hand. I feel happy. I can breathe and not think about how close that man is to me. Not thinking about how I can eat more. When I know that it would be a mistake to do so.

I’m still working on feeling better. It takes time and I’m back in school which that alone makes me happy. I am talking and laughing again which is more then I can ask for. I still worry about that guy who is too close to me and get overwhelmed when there are tones of people around. That alone is going to be some work.

But I can get through it I have help. I know who is here for me.

^__^

Dreams. Goals. Bucket list.

Dreams. We all have them. I once had this dream about wanting to write all day in this perfect little office and being this wonderful mother to this beautiful little boy (yes it was during my first wave of baby craze). I had just gone back to school and it was an actual thing we had to do. We had to take time out of our day and think about what it is that is going to make us happy. A job or family or yeah. I chose where I wanted to be in ten years. I was 20 when I did that and wrote it done. It was very detailed. Like Hero I think of that little boy, from time to time. (Wondering if I would be a good mother.)

I should say goals. Or the most popular term the bucket list. I was involved in someone’s bucket list last year and it was a wonderful and freeing experience that made me realize and go for things that were either to late or just in time...i say just in time because now I am back in school and loving every minute of it. It was sky-diving. It was the best this I did last year...I mean aside from going back to school.

So anyway I told a friend of mind tonight about dreams. Mainly because he told me one of his. He’s trusting me and I like that. I get a sense of trust when he tells me things. I mean with the latest in my great depressing adventure into the dark, he’s been this little light that makes me laugh. A friend reminding me of my own words. I’ve helped him out a lot as well. Its a growing trust between the two of us.

He said that his dream was stupid. Its so not stupid. (not going to share because its his to share and I’m not going to cross a line.) I had told him that it was a very beautiful dream and should share it with anyone and everyone. I could get the feeling that he was extremely happy about talking about it. Which is what I was aiming for. He was sad about something that had happened before we were talking. So anyway. It said that it was unattainable, he wasn’t going to leave the country....

I get that no one likes to travel. I personal think I would like it given that I travel more.

So in reply to his unattainable dream, is - they feed us, the imagination, driving us towards something. Even if we don’t achieve it, its there and it makes you smile. Bashfully in this state of complete happy giggly (alright I tossed in the giggle just now because I honestly believe that he would giggle. A man giggle, chuckle.) His dream is honestly a very good one and he should work towards it. He should keep learning Italian. In fact I am going to encourage this. I’m already trying to learn it myself.

Dude this friend of mine makes me happy. He makes me happy in the way that my Baby does. Shoot the shit and laugh it off.

So back to dreams and goals to my bucket list.

I’m not actually going to publish my list...still kinda working on it.

1. Learn French and Italian
2. Bungee jumping
3. Live in England for a year. (I actually really want to do this !!)
4. Learn to cook a dish in Italy
5. Learn to sing a French song in France
6. Play a very small, horribly small, part in a Shakespeare play
7. Write a story that can make another person, who isn’t me, tear up or any of the other emotions
8. Learn to dance (ballroom, salsa, belly etc...dance)
9. Throw a drink in someone’s face (not of my nicest of choices I just think that it would be fun)

Thats all that I have for right now...its a work in progress. I have so much more that I would like to add and would love to get done. I just can’t share everything right now. My mind is moving somewhere else...

....I have plans for tomorrow to find a special spot for myself outside that can bring me some kind of happiness. I’m looking forward to it.

:D

To Wake or Not To Wake...???

I have been thinking lately that I have to change things up a little and talk about something else. My something else is Shakespeare. I love William Shakespeare. Not to the extent that I am going to name my small dog after him or anything like that. No! I just enjoy the plays. They don’t leave you with that feeling of...

WHAT! What about that guy? WAIT A MINUTE ITS OVER?

No, all questions are answered. Its all put away in a nice little package. No matter it be dramatic, romance or comedic. Everything is tide together and closes nicely, or rather in most cases sadly that is unless you are dealing with his comedies, which is when the villain gets his uppins and is taken away for be such a villain. That still stands even during this modern time with movies and bad actors terrible lighting.

Thats what I believe I want to explore. Modern take on his plays. This entry now, is only a introduction to what I would like to write. So this is going to be my series, my first series of writings. Where is doesn’t consists of posy-its and little note made everywhere and then lead to nothing and gets either filed away and never thought of again, which gets done a lot as I have just discovered as I have cleaned out my desk.

A little cleaning before school starts. I found all my missing pens and mass amounts of note books and the diary I forgot all about that mainly has mention of one person...

Anyway. I have not decided yet in which order I am going to start, I just know that I am going to be taking a play or a few actually and go over them. So it might be and rather it is the way I am already leaning clearly, the genres.

Which one I start with is going to be a surprise to me and to you!

Look forward to writing and researching...is it such a good reason to start such a task weeks before heading back into school? Actually its brilliant, as I have come to realize my brain has been on summer vacation without me and needs to have a wake-up call. So this is me waking up before class starts. Should be very interesting.

:D

Working on it

I smiled two days in a row. I laughed harder then I have in weeks. I sang along. I held a conversation. I ate food and didn’t feel the need to get sick afterwards. (don’t worry I never did). I went outside and didn’t freak myself out. I didn’t have an anxiety over the amount of people within touching. I felt good.

Mind you I was still freaked the hell out that anything could happen. That at any given time someone could touch me the wrong way and it’ll send me into a crazy pile of emotions. Showing, exposing me. Killing me slowly as I would then have to bare all to the ones that I can’t bare anything to.

I don’t feel bad that I’m not sharing this with anyone. I don’t feel bad anymore, that eating away at my insides has since left me. >.> okay well it lingers there. But its something that I am going to have to live with I already have the two most important people know as much as I can share with them. And another person who know everything, possibly everything.

Can I live with that. For right now I can. For this moment in my life I can go on living like that and be content.

I have been working very hard on being happy again and not withholding myself from everything. I’m trying to think better of people. My problem is that cheaters are people too and should know better. Hateful peoples should leave me a lone. I mean I can almost listen to a full song of The Buble and not want to throw a punch to the nearest male (which is sadly my Baby) I never do though I would never hit anyone where it wasn’t playful. Just the amount of anger inside of me you know.

The amount that was killing me into a coma. Hiding me in a dark room having me curled up in a ball. Shutting everything out. Even my family. Trying to close the door on everything. Failing at that terribly and thankfully as well. If it wasn’t for two others that I almost talk to on a daily basis I don’t think I would have had the strength to breathe. If it wasn’t for the powerful witting comments of a few others I wouldn’t have been able to laugh.

With the help of a few others I can be happy enough for the time being as to seem normal. As to seem like I can walk by myself and not be afraid of what others might say and think about me.

Its still weird though when I look into the mirror. She’s different. She can see that at any given moment she can give into the emotion she fights with and break down and cry. Tear up like no ones business and swim into like she had a choice.

Well I do have a choice I just can’t seem to find my own way up.

It’ll happen and it’ll take time. But I have to forgive myself first.

:’)

it only takes one word ... HELP

Have you ever had one of those days where you have only said one word. I have had that day. I have been having far to many of those days of late. Where I don’t want to say anything where I cannot come up with a reasonable ... anything to say. I believe its because I don’t want to share this secret that has been weighing on me. This thing that has infected me. Infected me to a point of sleep and sickness. To a point that I tear up and cry at the thought. Where other things have been brought up from the past. Have since been long forgotten. This thing that only one other person knows about and it well probably stay that way to. Thats something I can’t share. But I have that one person I can talk to, and I’m happy.

When I was little I was attacked almost daily. By this boy whom for some reason both hated and needed me. It very well could have been my first and well since then bad relationship. Abusive relationship.

It wasn’t anything like that. We were never playground boyfriend girlfriend. Even then the thought made me run in the other direction. This little boy was, had, started out as my friend. I use to like having people around me when I was little. Back then I would care why the popular kids didn’t like me. Now who give a flying pooh in the face. If someone doesn’t like me. I know I love me. Oh well.

I can remember now what he looks like. I can remember the feeling of sand digging into me. His little white hands holding me in place. I can see his dark, dark, black eyes looking down to me as he hits me. I can feel my confused emotions. Not understanding what I had done to get hit. It wasn’t just punching, he slapped me to. How he got me down on the ground was that he tripped me or pushed me. I can hear my thoughts, wondering why no one was helping me. Every time. Then as the thought happened someone was there. Someone was there to pull him off of me. Every time.

(Other things play out in my head. Laughter. Children's laughter. Like their standing around watching it being played out. I don’t think that happened. At least I hope it didn’t.)

That had gone on for days. Its probably when I stopped wanting people around me. When I closed myself off. When I started to push people away. When I started to get angry. When I stopped loving others and concentrated on me. Increasing my vanity as a protected shield against anyone who could hurt me. Anyone being of the male gender not of my family.

I went into myself and stopped talking. I stopped being happy. When I get really sad I’ll have days where I’ll only say one word. Where if I think of anything I can cry.

I hate the name Billy.

I forgot how much I hate being touched.

Why it takes me forever to even let a guy in. I remember why. I just don’t like how it came back to me.

D=

Pieces of Pooh

I don’t think I have to mentioned that I have this inability to share myself with others. I know for a fact that when I’m seeing you I am not going to share you. Cheat me once and thats it! No more of that. Your cut off and basically dead to me. LOL! But that is another story that can just stay dead to me. Despite the clear undying need to call him up. Its a terrible habit that I must kick. All it takes is a look down memory lane. And the name Julie to make me want to not anymore.

I’m getting good at fighting the need to be with him. No more M. I still want C and that is an other love letter for another time.

So there was something that went down the other day. This past weekend. It really isn’t something that I want to share with anyone. But I have shared with a few girls that I can trust and know they wouldn’t point me in the wrong direction. I know that I should tell one more person. Something like this just has never happened to me and its freaking me the frak out. I mean I am completely sick over what has been played out.

JJ keeps telling me that I’m not a terrible person. I have this terrible guilt thats running me over. Thats eating away at me. I can laugh and still be me and talk the pervy talk but it comes back. Reminding me. Telling me that I should...

Nothing happened. They tell me I should tell her. I keep questioning if there is something to tell. If I have to. If I really have to. I don’t want to be the cause here for what happens to them when I do share. Sure sharing what went down would make me feel better but would it do them any good.

I keep thinking that I should move. Tell them and then move away. Give up on my idea of New York and Vegas so I can leave that mess behind me. At least this way the only time I would see them would be at just around never.

I should leave. I mean for a different reason. Not because something uncomfortable happened and I can’t deal with it. But because I want to frakin leave this weird little community.

I might already have someone with me as in roommate.

I want to do something about this subject. I have, since it happened to me once before, why there is this compulsion to cheat. To dare to flirt with someone who isn’t that one your with. If you are with that person then I think you should be with that person. I’ve always felt that way. If you wanna cheat then you should take a look at the relationship you are in.

You shouldn’t be in there because either you are not ready or because of the simple fact that you are not in the relationship anymore. There is nothing wrong if you have come to that conclusion thats great. Then you don’t have to hurt anyone. Especially that other person in the commitment.

Its funny I always thought that I would be okay with a little cheating. Mainly because of the fact that I have someone in my stories that slightly resemble me and they cheat on their others.

JJ (rolls eyes) said that I’m a catch and he doesn’t blame the guy. Now because he was complementing me I don’t see that negative. I might be completely vain and self-centered and attracted to shiny pink things but I would not break me a piece of that off.

Ew it goes without saying that married men just don’t do it for me. Guys in relationships are actually a turn off to me, unless you are C then my love for you is going to keep on truckin till my feelings change.

Where was I....oh right ew married and out of shape not to mention pale as anything ever was pale. Gross has a kid. I’m sorry I said I want kids ... Of my own names Hero from a tall drink of something dark and smart and not an ass-hole. So you see my problem. He is not Bronson or Chaske or C or the actual man I am going to get with. He’s a big fail in thinking he could touch this.

He is right, my JJ, I am a f*cking catch and he’s, the married guy, not lucky enough to even get as close as he has gotten to me. Piece of sh!t needs to think straight and start treating his woman right. And stay the frak away from me. Otherwise I might have to take all my bloody anger that I have for cheaters and take it out on him.

Situation isn’t right. Make me no happy. And I like happy Starr. She’s a funny woman who is shy as all hell.

>:[

Losing IT

Alright I was asking around work about what I should write about next. My supervisors had mentioned water. Okay. As a Native woman I should know more about water. However as great of an idea that is, right now that is more research then I care to chew on. Anyway when would I find the time to gather this information. Okay so honestly if I wanted to I would. I mean I just made a video and edited tonight ... Last night. About tacos. How to make Indian Taco’s. Blog to come later. I’ll make time to write about water, just not right now.

Another suggestion that my supervisor had mentioned was laughing...alright because I had like 4 Iced-Caps I was a little out of it. Laughing like a silly laugher of everything. What she had really suggested was “hey has anyone ever gotten drunk off of Iced-Caps.” I laughed so hard that basically my boss was looking and giggling to herself what is really in those things wink, wink. Just laughing. It actually didn’t hit me till 4...5am as in morning, to write about laughing.

I mean laughing is great for you. It can open you up. It lets in the light. Laughter is literally the best medicine out there. I have already kind of did a vlog about laughing. Well of sorts. That is just another long story you’d just have to watch it.

A few weeks ago my mother sent me a video with this bear dancing. Not a dancing bear that would be terrible. The bear actually has an itch on the back and he’s rubbing himself on the tree and it looks like he’s “pole” dancing. It makes me laugh just as hard as when I first watched it. With that being said I have watched it more then I really should have.

I’m bear clan and I love bears, they make me happy. So when I watch this video it kills me every time. Now thats a bear in the wild.

I actually thought that I would talk more about laughing then this....Maybe it was just some late night slash very early morning gibber. I was a little out of it last night. The day before. Today. Okay so it’s been a very weird week for me. Losing my mind has been a joyous week...year. My entire life. For real though I have to say that I have been having a blast.

When I say that I laugh at everything I am honestly laughing at everything. It might hurt you but hey I’m having a good time. I’m sorry did you just get burned by that persons words, excuse me while I LOL over here. LMAO, what, she said hello. That is just an hour starting work. The real crazy comes around after I finish my coffee.

Its the reason I don’t judge anyone. I try not to judge anyone. I’ll laugh and snort, but as far as you know its not at you...with you.

I’m starting to sound like a real bitch, I’m not really. I’m just completely vain. I’m the nicest person that I can be until you cross me and then its all hands down I’ll no longer like you.

This blog is really starting to take a weird turn. My whole thing was to tell a few funny stories and share the gift of laughter. Oops that is my bad.

:D

Adding a bit more to this....

10 reasons you should laugh more

Suffering from to much seriousness? Everyone can benefit from a bit more levity. Laughter transcends age, physical limitations an health staus and even has the following health benefits.

1. Strengthens the immune system. A study found that laughter elevates white blood cell counts and increases antibody levels
2. Reduces pain. The endorphins released in your brain when you giggle are the body’s natural painkillers
3. Controls high blood pressure. Laughter has been shown to limit the release of stress hormones. In healthy individuals, a 10 minute chuckle can reduce blood pressure by up to 16 percent, so little laughter can make a big difference.
4. Reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease. Laughter is linked to improved blood vessels and heart health.
5. Eases depressions. Laughter can cheer you up and help you get a better nights sleep.
6. Relieves stess. Giggles reduces levels of stress hormones cortisol and epinephrine in the body.
7. Acts like a min-facelift. Twittering tones facial muscles adn increases blood flow, nourishing the skin for a more youthful glow.
8. Makes a good exercise. Research revels that one minute of laughing is as effective at getting your heart rate up as 10 minutes on a rowing machine. And if you can sustain a chuckle for ten minutes, you’ll burn 50 calories.
9. Alleviates bronchitis and asthma. Frequent fits of laughter can improve lung capacity and increase blood oxygen levels.
10. Makes you feel good. The endorphins released when you laugh - the same ones that flood your brain when you’re in love - boost your mood.

:D