Showing posts with label child. Show all posts
Showing posts with label child. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

What's Inside: Blood Memory


I'm laying in bed and listening to a few N.W.A songs. These things don't have a connection really, just setting up a scene for you. So, I am laying in bed and listening to N.W.A, a part of a song comes on and it takes me to a time I hadn't expected to go to. Latchkey. Jokes and definitions aside, it was a recreational program, for the kids. One of the best part of my childhood. It was just a mesh of kids hanging out in building with adult supervision.

It's summer time in this memory.

I guess our camping trip got canceled or something along those lines. I can remember how we were in the rec building, now the C.A.R.D building. Normally we would go to Algonquin Provincial Park for a trip. It was annual. The saying "if it isn't broke, don't fix it" comes in play a lot in my community. There was another camping trip that we would go on and it is escaping me right now. (It came to me, Niagara Falls.)

That aside, we are staying in the building. We all tell stories, as any group of kids would. Prior to the night, we had probably had teachings. Teachings of our culture. Not all of us come from families that practice the traditional ways. It is something that would come back to us time and time again. Different examples of feeling safe, keeping each other safe.

Around the fire, still during the daytime, I should mention. We notice that there are birds flying above us. Just flying in circles. One was a nice bird, the other not as much. It was like a game of chase. Just the one wasn't in on the game. We go on through the usual ghost stories. Tradition, why break it.

At one point the boys get it in their head that they need to call out this bird. Rightly so, he was clearly picking on the other one. I should note now that these birds are seagulls. Originally we thought that they would be after our hotdogs that we were cooking by the fire. It isn't the case, however. This we all realize after a while.

The names that we had given to them were in relation to what we had learned earlier that week. The mean gull is now peaking and picking at the other one. The guys shout out, "this guy is a dick". "Hey get off of I think, Steve". (I know that it was a name that was very human and not anyone in the group.) Everyone is shouting, a few of us "pray". Not at all in the traditional sense of invocating. From either culture that we might be referencing. There is a church in our community.

A few of the girls would attend. Not I, however.

We weren't praying to God or the Creator in the religious and spiritual sense. Not yet. It was more of a sarcastic manner. "Let this dick seagull leave, Steve alone." For an example. It was something along those lines. When it came to this program we were a little bit mouthy. Depending who the counselor was at the time. There was a handful that none of us took very seriously. I am sure they never thought much of themselves either. I mean in the role.

Getting right to where I meant to get. We laid down some tobacco. The memory is hazed and not as strong as once was. I haven't thought about the bird since it happened. It could have been a dream I had that night in the rec building. It still counts as a memory, doesn't it.

We laid down the tobacco for the seagull that was now hurt. Even tossed him some food, strongly suggested from the older people to not feed them. As they would keep asking for food. Of course, we did anyways. They damn bird was just beaten up by a fellow gull.

Throughout our childhood and a bit in our teens this would happen again. Not the birds but the call back to who we are. What we feel inside of ourselves. I would think that it is a tool that is barely used in our arsenal. It is something that is there. Some of us don't know how to go about it, feel out of place even thinking about our culture. That fear is yet another thing that is inside of us. Tipping the balance inside.

Every so often I am reminded of these events in the past. The past where I can remember having the best times. Laughing and giggling with friends. Most of these people who I am not all that close with nowadays. But still see at times, as these kids; wild, brown and mouthy. Alright, some of us might be a little taller, maybe a little rounder. Still mouthy and toning down on the wild part.

Post Script 
I do realize that I am an 'N' away from Seagal.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Hero Baby


It happens. I’m a woman. This kind of thinking happens from time to time. I went through that period in my life where all I was thinking about, dreaming about was ten little toes. Eight fingers and two thumbs. Chubby little cheeks. Sweet adoring laugh. Completely perfect rose bud lips. Tiny nose with my bump. Because I am native a full head of dark brown hair. Deep almost black eyes.

Babies. In this particular entry a little girl I named Hero. She is soon going to be written into my Sway with Me story. Which is very lightly based on Sam Uley, actually to be completely honest base on a role playing character on twitter that I follow. Completely sweet guy who is a guy, by that I mean slightly bad with his choice of words. More then once he was there for me when I was in a bad way. Clearly you can understand why I would want to write about him. He cares. Or he appears like he cares. Either way he’s sweet.

Anyway back to the baby talk.

Like I said I have had that span of months where all I could think of was babies and all I could see were babies. All I wanted was a baby. That was when I closed off the guy I was sort of seeing at the time. (It wasn’t just him I could not trust it was my uterus.)

Anyways what prompted me to use “baby” as a subject is the fact that I for some reason went on a hunt for a site that could show me what baby would look like if I were with a guy. I chose two people that I love and needed to know cause I love them so much. Big crushes. Anyway one is Bronson Pelletier and the other Chaske Spencer. I first went with Bronson well I just did *coughs* stalking him. Anyway, kid was cute. Nothing compared to what Chaske and myself morphed together came up with.

I have the best people. A friend said cute what is her name. Hero. I actually took the time to think about this little girls name.

Hero is going to be in this story, I mentioned, that I’m working on. I already had the idea when I first started working on it. It’s almost loosely based on what I would do if I ever found out I’m going to have a baby. I’m always thinking about that. How its going to change my life and all of that. Its scary.

However its different when I dream about it. I’m happy and in love with this perfect little being. It breaks my heart to wake up and know that its not real. Then in my reality I don’t want children. I’m completely selfish. Having a child would be something different for me. Something that is sharing. I can share, I’m just not very good at sharing myself with others.

Babies, children. Perfect little beings. They can make you feel better and its great. Tiny smiles lighting up your life. Its beautiful. I just don’t know if its for me. But I sure do love the idea of Hero.

:D