Wednesday, September 8, 2010

August Pains

Its no secret that I have been going through something rather emotionally big this past month. I have been trying and working through the hurt and anger and self disappointment. Bring myself back to life and laughter and full heartily, in all and complete friendliness.

Trying to open up about what had gone on and what could have happened. Is a trying time and hard for me to admit. To admit in the first place to come to terms of what might have been done. I try to understand about why it happened and I can’t think about it to long or I’ll get tired and want to sleep.

I can’t sleep anymore. I spent an entire week. All seven days in a room where I was closing and going into myself and not letting go of the pain and shame I felt. Not letting my voice free. In fact I don’t think I said anything at all that sad and lonely week. I mean I didn’t see anyone and possibly for a second. Maybe I said a thank you when it came to a poster of the wolves from Baby. Nothing else.

Then I started to talk again. I started to remember that I have a brother who I am very close to and would love to be with more. Even more so when I’m sad. He can make me laugh and I can share in jokes and feel light again. I wanted that back. So I shared parts of what went down. I didn’t cry that time. I didn’t let it show that I was that freaked out about anything. Then I shared with some friends.

Actually I shared with a few people first. The next morning (hours later) I had to tell someone. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t told someone. I’m happy to have them in my life this summer.

So I wanted to be in happy again. I wanted to feel again. I wanted to gabber in the gab that I can from time to time. My next step to easing myself was talking to my mother. Letting her know that I was scared and was sleeping more then I should have and crying more then I do. We talked about it and other things. I crawled back into my dark room and slept after I talked with my mother.

Staying in my bed filling my little dark room with shame and tears. Anger didn’t even stay long before I started to fight with myself about what I know and feel about what could have happened.

So she got me to talk things over with a person she knows who could listen to me and help me through some of the things I was feeling. This is when I cried in front of someone who knew everything. My fear. My worry. My shame. My lack of love. I told someone everything. It felt good. To know that someone out there knew everything. To know that someone was there listening to me and understanding my feelings and not turning away from me. Not looking down on me because something...because of something.

The person I was talking with. Had mentioned that I should talk to this other person who would help my inner child. Who would help me to breathe again. Someone who would allow me to work farther into everything.

If I didn’t have DH to talk with I am slightly positive that I wouldn’t have gone back to school. I am sure that I would have been to afraid to be anywhere near people.

I had gone shopping with my mom, sister and niece. I didn’t exactly have a shower that day. My hair was a mess and my clothes were missed matched. The thought of a stranger being so near me crushed my smile that my niece gave me the night before. But I have to get out. I had to feel a connection with something. Around this time I’m eating again its in between the one person I am talking with and DH so I’m not people ready at this point I’m hardly even sister ready by this time.

The night before with the niece, I order Chinese food. Eat more then my share of the food. The next day at lunch I am also eating more then I think my stomach can really hold. However after I finish the meal I bought at the mall I am still hungry and need to eat. I don’t. I can’t. People, crowds of them hovering around. Looking. All within touch. Physical I fold.

Fake smile and I take my niece by the hand. I feel happy. I can breathe and not think about how close that man is to me. Not thinking about how I can eat more. When I know that it would be a mistake to do so.

I’m still working on feeling better. It takes time and I’m back in school which that alone makes me happy. I am talking and laughing again which is more then I can ask for. I still worry about that guy who is too close to me and get overwhelmed when there are tones of people around. That alone is going to be some work.

But I can get through it I have help. I know who is here for me.