Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Starting Over

Nothing like trying to start anew. Nothing like needing that push. Nothing like realizing that if you aren't pushed out of bed by some alarm or by someone who cares you might actually stay there.

Okay I realized this when things starting to go down hill for me. When every little thing would push me down into this deep dark hole that just about takes the life out of me. Clearly something that I need to change about myself. And tomorrow is that day. Tomorrow February 1, 2012.

I don't know what it is about myself but I couldn't for the life of me change in the middle of the month. I mean my original goal date was January 1, 2012, but let's face it...it's me. I'd rather sleep in and never come out of this the year and the hell it took me through. Nope I think it's much better to stew away in this crap and love it up like it were my best friend or something. Hmmm maybe not.

So after going to a small party and drinking my favorite drink Jack Daniel's and the small comfortable hole I put myself through I thought that I would admit to my sister that last year I thought I was pregnant. Yicks. Last year I was all kinds of messed up. Yeah not the time to freak out about having to look after a baby. So, when I woke up the next morning and looked over all of my confession I thought that I would give up drinking all together. I was half way there with drinking here and there, now let's make it full on stop. ^_^ Smoking as well.

Thus starts my starting over. A start to my own self...well getting back to the old girl I use to be. The one funny all the time. Vanity in play and honesty in good working condition. Hair fluffy and shiny. On ward to a brighter future to becoming a ... Nanny.

Yeah. Nanny. Stahrie Nite Nanny.

That's something I'll talk about later. Right now I think I should hit it off with my bed and cuddle the sandman. Just have to close my eyes and that's it. Close them don't open them for nothing. Get Indiana Jones on this sleep.


Monday, January 30, 2012

Sleepy non-sleeper

I have always been this weird night hawk. I could be up all day tired as anything wanting nothing but my bed. Talking, thinking, nodding off and day-dreaming about my bed. But as soon as it would be time to get some z's and my head hits the pillow...

... Nope not any more. I need to stay awake. That's when my mind comes alive and I can think and talk more clearly. Yeah. That's a load of crap these days. I mean I can think more clearly. That is if I don't speak it out, as in to other people. For some reason I just don't make sense to some. I'm okay with that. Have been now for a while.

Anyway, staying up late would normally mean me working on a new story. Coming up with ideas. Reading a new book and finishing it off during the night. Catching a few winks during the early early morning before having to start the day. I don't know if it's because I'm ... Getting older but I can't do that any more. I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD IM NOT THAT OLD.

Then this thought comes up. What if I have just become one of those blockers. You know writers block. I mean my ideas aren't that good any more and words on edge don't come often. When they do it's kind of like...that's it. That all your brain can come up with?

Not clever Stahrie. Not very clever. Not that I exactly claim I am super duper with the play on words. Always been a little slow when it comes to improve. I think it's probably because I'm a thinker and not really a jump right in and geterdone type of gal. I like to make a pro and con list see which result well produce a bigger laugh. I've always been that way. I like to over think things.

Well I don't really like it. I try to let things go. As it is with most people you really need to vent it out. Which is what I'm doing. Plus checking out the new app. My not sleeping right off the bat is what is bugging me most tonight so...that is that. Now I'll probably wake up tomorrow wondering what I did last night and come back and see this rambling blog and think....fuck. Fuck me for thinking of this. Then I'll laugh at it. Cause after all, I do know how to laugh at myself.

With red face and all.