Me Again

I feel like I have to reintroduce myself. Since my last .... Before my last entry I was very much a different person. I wasn’t happy anymore. I broke. I could not find my smile. I didn’t laugh anymore. I wasn’t me.

Now that I am doing my best to heal and feel better and find my lovely awesomeness again. Smiling and actually meaning it is like, and forgive me for this, but it’s like when buy that new outfit and when you wear it for the first time. You know you look good, and you see people looking at you like “threes something different about you”

My new smile feels like that. My new smile makes me feel good. The laughs and jokes it feels good to want to be happy and accomplishing it. Bit by bit. But you are. It’s self satisfaction. It alone can bring you joy.

So enough about that, though I could very well go on and on about it. Maybe I’ll do another post about that MAYBE.

So about me. My favorite subject. Well I am a college student, the program I am in right now is the Native Community and Social Development. I would like to work someday with children and youth. I love writing, would also like to take some classes to possibly giving me more skill.

A new goal recently added is to move to Toronto given that I am accepted and can get into a certain program for preforming arts with an aboriginal background. It would help me in my career path that I would like to take as in coming up with new program ideas for my community. Being able to bring something new to my community. Again I could go more deep into this subject, but won’t not this time around. (Makes note of this)

Would love to get more into yoga, running and actually using my roller blades.

Big dreamer. Thats something that wasn’t taken from me. Mind you it was mainly how and where I could go to escape my new dark world. It’s changed it’s brighter. My goals are something that I want to work towards and be accomplished by me and not have shame or hate behind it.

I don’t know right now what else I can share right now. So this is kinda of a new me. Still the happy go lucky crazy nut bar with a loud laugh and kind of a different style of thinking seeing things and style. Me!

Worthy Adventure?

Everyone has a different understanding of what love is. Over many conversations, over many coffees I have tried to understand what it is to have. As people explain to me how it happened to them, I begin to see that I could very well be in love, myself. Never allowing any such emotion make its way towards my person, I could see I had let the powerful joyous emotions hold my hand by a fire, under a star filled night with the air smelling of rain from that afternoon. Was it just a fancy free full of lust and passion through palm to palm hand holding, friendly and innocent. Possibly worse yet, was just what it was friendly and innocent. I begin to ask more questions about this road that I don’t want to go down again. I have seen what it can do to a person both pleasure and pain. Love, though a hardship, pleasant and beautiful is it really worthwhile?

“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox” - Woody Allen (Joffe, 1969)

With the many emotions and definitions of love how can one be sure that they are in love and once coming to the real conclusion that they are, how does one even go about it. Knowing fully that its very shaky grown.

Is it the basic human need to have that companionship. Is it just the basic need of the human race, mating. First thing to trigger when seeing that one particular person is lust and attraction, hormones kick in, chemicals involved start to increase in volume, estrogen and testosterone at their highest.

Tossing of the hair, posing, that joke wasn’t really funny but I’m laughing anyway, “Oh is that my hand on your shoulder, you work out?” All this in the means to take part in a completely natural human act.

The first step you didn’t even know that you were taking you just took towards love. It might not have been your first initial means, the thought of falling in love probably didn’t even cross your mind. However what if one of the said party had a good time and calls you the next week.

It is common to want to advance to another level with someone you have things in common with, meaning you had a great time, it was fun. There is nothing wrong to want that feeling all the time. Attraction and great conversation. Looking for that reciprocal affection that guides it to attachment. If that is found then new stronger feelings start to form but you question them. Then before you know it, three small words, eight tiny letters fall from your lips - I love you.

Unnervingly followed by “here is my key”, “lets move in with each other or hey let’s get that puppy in the window”. Both are par with each other, if not the same thing, it is getting to know how you are with each other, how a household would be ruled between the two of you.

There really is no way to know that you are in love. It is almost as if it just happens. The simplest of actions can rouse the joyful party that was building inside your body. It’s that coming together of every wonderful feeling you could ever have is love and no one ever really knows till there is that action in that one moment. A moment that could be from laying down a jacket over a puddle, writing of a song, a silly joke that no one gets but the two of you, or even the simplest and slights of gestures as holding your hand.

Simply in a few words there is no way to know that you are truly and hopelessly in love. No way to tell other then the fact then you will know when it happens. In the morning sunlight because a great start to a wonderful adventure.

“Love is friendship set on fire” - Jeremy Taylor (Taylor, 2009)

Saying I love you is easy. Building a lasting relationship is work. There is nothing wrong when it comes to hard work in a relationship. Hard work can lead to something more beautiful then one could imagine. Life long friendship. Companionship with someone you have a real connection with.

It is heard all of the time from couples young and old. I am the luckiest person to be in love with my best friend. Some are even as lucky as to be able to refer to that person, that best friend, as soul mate. Its what everyone wants. To be in love with your best friend.

Unlike falling in love, being in it, with someone that you call friend, is marvelous. So much so that when it comes to hard work, you are not even going to know that you are in fact getting a companion. Together you are the happiest you could be.

“Love is like war. Easy to begin but hard to end” - Anonymous (2009)

It would seem that every relationship would no doubt produce its very own share of utter disappointment and insecurity and heartbreaking pain. The unfortunate truth is that anyone who has never been hurt is either very lucky or rather lonely. Normally one wouldn’t mind being that person for a time being but when you hit the centre, the core, heartbreak is part of being human.

A broken heart could be just the same with love sickness. Love Sickness being that of a broken heart of something that might not have ever taken place. A relationship that wouldn’t have happened. You hope though, of course the pain behind that realization is nothing compared to losing someone at the end of what is shared, love and complete affection.

The loss of a person so dear could cause symptoms such as; loss of appetite, partial or complete insomnia, shock, apathy, suicidal thought, fatigue and in extreme cases death.

It is completely okay and acceptable to allow such emotions take over. Its heart warming to know that in a world in such distress it’s inhabitants can still feel love. If love wasn’t worth it would it feel so wonderful. It is the most powerful and beautiful thing that you can give to another person, its right next to forgiveness, just as strong, just a wonderful to know that you have. Nothing can be wrong with either as they bring hope and a new day to everyone that could use some. Love is everything that its cracked up to be. Why do you suppose there are many cynical people about the subject.

[This was an essay I had to do for one of my classes last year.]

August Pains

Its no secret that I have been going through something rather emotionally big this past month. I have been trying and working through the hurt and anger and self disappointment. Bring myself back to life and laughter and full heartily, in all and complete friendliness.

Trying to open up about what had gone on and what could have happened. Is a trying time and hard for me to admit. To admit in the first place to come to terms of what might have been done. I try to understand about why it happened and I can’t think about it to long or I’ll get tired and want to sleep.

I can’t sleep anymore. I spent an entire week. All seven days in a room where I was closing and going into myself and not letting go of the pain and shame I felt. Not letting my voice free. In fact I don’t think I said anything at all that sad and lonely week. I mean I didn’t see anyone and possibly for a second. Maybe I said a thank you when it came to a poster of the wolves from Baby. Nothing else.

Then I started to talk again. I started to remember that I have a brother who I am very close to and would love to be with more. Even more so when I’m sad. He can make me laugh and I can share in jokes and feel light again. I wanted that back. So I shared parts of what went down. I didn’t cry that time. I didn’t let it show that I was that freaked out about anything. Then I shared with some friends.

Actually I shared with a few people first. The next morning (hours later) I had to tell someone. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t told someone. I’m happy to have them in my life this summer.

So I wanted to be in happy again. I wanted to feel again. I wanted to gabber in the gab that I can from time to time. My next step to easing myself was talking to my mother. Letting her know that I was scared and was sleeping more then I should have and crying more then I do. We talked about it and other things. I crawled back into my dark room and slept after I talked with my mother.

Staying in my bed filling my little dark room with shame and tears. Anger didn’t even stay long before I started to fight with myself about what I know and feel about what could have happened.

So she got me to talk things over with a person she knows who could listen to me and help me through some of the things I was feeling. This is when I cried in front of someone who knew everything. My fear. My worry. My shame. My lack of love. I told someone everything. It felt good. To know that someone out there knew everything. To know that someone was there listening to me and understanding my feelings and not turning away from me. Not looking down on me because something...because of something.

The person I was talking with. Had mentioned that I should talk to this other person who would help my inner child. Who would help me to breathe again. Someone who would allow me to work farther into everything.

If I didn’t have DH to talk with I am slightly positive that I wouldn’t have gone back to school. I am sure that I would have been to afraid to be anywhere near people.

I had gone shopping with my mom, sister and niece. I didn’t exactly have a shower that day. My hair was a mess and my clothes were missed matched. The thought of a stranger being so near me crushed my smile that my niece gave me the night before. But I have to get out. I had to feel a connection with something. Around this time I’m eating again its in between the one person I am talking with and DH so I’m not people ready at this point I’m hardly even sister ready by this time.

The night before with the niece, I order Chinese food. Eat more then my share of the food. The next day at lunch I am also eating more then I think my stomach can really hold. However after I finish the meal I bought at the mall I am still hungry and need to eat. I don’t. I can’t. People, crowds of them hovering around. Looking. All within touch. Physical I fold.

Fake smile and I take my niece by the hand. I feel happy. I can breathe and not think about how close that man is to me. Not thinking about how I can eat more. When I know that it would be a mistake to do so.

I’m still working on feeling better. It takes time and I’m back in school which that alone makes me happy. I am talking and laughing again which is more then I can ask for. I still worry about that guy who is too close to me and get overwhelmed when there are tones of people around. That alone is going to be some work.

But I can get through it I have help. I know who is here for me.

^__^

Dreams. Goals. Bucket list.

Dreams. We all have them. I once had this dream about wanting to write all day in this perfect little office and being this wonderful mother to this beautiful little boy (yes it was during my first wave of baby craze). I had just gone back to school and it was an actual thing we had to do. We had to take time out of our day and think about what it is that is going to make us happy. A job or family or yeah. I chose where I wanted to be in ten years. I was 20 when I did that and wrote it done. It was very detailed. Like Hero I think of that little boy, from time to time. (Wondering if I would be a good mother.)

I should say goals. Or the most popular term the bucket list. I was involved in someone’s bucket list last year and it was a wonderful and freeing experience that made me realize and go for things that were either to late or just in time...i say just in time because now I am back in school and loving every minute of it. It was sky-diving. It was the best this I did last year...I mean aside from going back to school.

So anyway I told a friend of mind tonight about dreams. Mainly because he told me one of his. He’s trusting me and I like that. I get a sense of trust when he tells me things. I mean with the latest in my great depressing adventure into the dark, he’s been this little light that makes me laugh. A friend reminding me of my own words. I’ve helped him out a lot as well. Its a growing trust between the two of us.

He said that his dream was stupid. Its so not stupid. (not going to share because its his to share and I’m not going to cross a line.) I had told him that it was a very beautiful dream and should share it with anyone and everyone. I could get the feeling that he was extremely happy about talking about it. Which is what I was aiming for. He was sad about something that had happened before we were talking. So anyway. It said that it was unattainable, he wasn’t going to leave the country....

I get that no one likes to travel. I personal think I would like it given that I travel more.

So in reply to his unattainable dream, is - they feed us, the imagination, driving us towards something. Even if we don’t achieve it, its there and it makes you smile. Bashfully in this state of complete happy giggly (alright I tossed in the giggle just now because I honestly believe that he would giggle. A man giggle, chuckle.) His dream is honestly a very good one and he should work towards it. He should keep learning Italian. In fact I am going to encourage this. I’m already trying to learn it myself.

Dude this friend of mine makes me happy. He makes me happy in the way that my Baby does. Shoot the shit and laugh it off.

So back to dreams and goals to my bucket list.

I’m not actually going to publish my list...still kinda working on it.

1. Learn French and Italian
2. Bungee jumping
3. Live in England for a year. (I actually really want to do this !!)
4. Learn to cook a dish in Italy
5. Learn to sing a French song in France
6. Play a very small, horribly small, part in a Shakespeare play
7. Write a story that can make another person, who isn’t me, tear up or any of the other emotions
8. Learn to dance (ballroom, salsa, belly etc...dance)
9. Throw a drink in someone’s face (not of my nicest of choices I just think that it would be fun)

Thats all that I have for right now...its a work in progress. I have so much more that I would like to add and would love to get done. I just can’t share everything right now. My mind is moving somewhere else...

....I have plans for tomorrow to find a special spot for myself outside that can bring me some kind of happiness. I’m looking forward to it.

:D

To Wake or Not To Wake...???

I have been thinking lately that I have to change things up a little and talk about something else. My something else is Shakespeare. I love William Shakespeare. Not to the extent that I am going to name my small dog after him or anything like that. No! I just enjoy the plays. They don’t leave you with that feeling of...

WHAT! What about that guy? WAIT A MINUTE ITS OVER?

No, all questions are answered. Its all put away in a nice little package. No matter it be dramatic, romance or comedic. Everything is tide together and closes nicely, or rather in most cases sadly that is unless you are dealing with his comedies, which is when the villain gets his uppins and is taken away for be such a villain. That still stands even during this modern time with movies and bad actors terrible lighting.

Thats what I believe I want to explore. Modern take on his plays. This entry now, is only a introduction to what I would like to write. So this is going to be my series, my first series of writings. Where is doesn’t consists of posy-its and little note made everywhere and then lead to nothing and gets either filed away and never thought of again, which gets done a lot as I have just discovered as I have cleaned out my desk.

A little cleaning before school starts. I found all my missing pens and mass amounts of note books and the diary I forgot all about that mainly has mention of one person...

Anyway. I have not decided yet in which order I am going to start, I just know that I am going to be taking a play or a few actually and go over them. So it might be and rather it is the way I am already leaning clearly, the genres.

Which one I start with is going to be a surprise to me and to you!

Look forward to writing and researching...is it such a good reason to start such a task weeks before heading back into school? Actually its brilliant, as I have come to realize my brain has been on summer vacation without me and needs to have a wake-up call. So this is me waking up before class starts. Should be very interesting.

:D

Working on it

I smiled two days in a row. I laughed harder then I have in weeks. I sang along. I held a conversation. I ate food and didn’t feel the need to get sick afterwards. (don’t worry I never did). I went outside and didn’t freak myself out. I didn’t have an anxiety over the amount of people within touching. I felt good.

Mind you I was still freaked the hell out that anything could happen. That at any given time someone could touch me the wrong way and it’ll send me into a crazy pile of emotions. Showing, exposing me. Killing me slowly as I would then have to bare all to the ones that I can’t bare anything to.

I don’t feel bad that I’m not sharing this with anyone. I don’t feel bad anymore, that eating away at my insides has since left me. >.> okay well it lingers there. But its something that I am going to have to live with I already have the two most important people know as much as I can share with them. And another person who know everything, possibly everything.

Can I live with that. For right now I can. For this moment in my life I can go on living like that and be content.

I have been working very hard on being happy again and not withholding myself from everything. I’m trying to think better of people. My problem is that cheaters are people too and should know better. Hateful peoples should leave me a lone. I mean I can almost listen to a full song of The Buble and not want to throw a punch to the nearest male (which is sadly my Baby) I never do though I would never hit anyone where it wasn’t playful. Just the amount of anger inside of me you know.

The amount that was killing me into a coma. Hiding me in a dark room having me curled up in a ball. Shutting everything out. Even my family. Trying to close the door on everything. Failing at that terribly and thankfully as well. If it wasn’t for two others that I almost talk to on a daily basis I don’t think I would have had the strength to breathe. If it wasn’t for the powerful witting comments of a few others I wouldn’t have been able to laugh.

With the help of a few others I can be happy enough for the time being as to seem normal. As to seem like I can walk by myself and not be afraid of what others might say and think about me.

Its still weird though when I look into the mirror. She’s different. She can see that at any given moment she can give into the emotion she fights with and break down and cry. Tear up like no ones business and swim into like she had a choice.

Well I do have a choice I just can’t seem to find my own way up.

It’ll happen and it’ll take time. But I have to forgive myself first.

:’)

it only takes one word ... HELP

Have you ever had one of those days where you have only said one word. I have had that day. I have been having far to many of those days of late. Where I don’t want to say anything where I cannot come up with a reasonable ... anything to say. I believe its because I don’t want to share this secret that has been weighing on me. This thing that has infected me. Infected me to a point of sleep and sickness. To a point that I tear up and cry at the thought. Where other things have been brought up from the past. Have since been long forgotten. This thing that only one other person knows about and it well probably stay that way to. Thats something I can’t share. But I have that one person I can talk to, and I’m happy.

When I was little I was attacked almost daily. By this boy whom for some reason both hated and needed me. It very well could have been my first and well since then bad relationship. Abusive relationship.

It wasn’t anything like that. We were never playground boyfriend girlfriend. Even then the thought made me run in the other direction. This little boy was, had, started out as my friend. I use to like having people around me when I was little. Back then I would care why the popular kids didn’t like me. Now who give a flying pooh in the face. If someone doesn’t like me. I know I love me. Oh well.

I can remember now what he looks like. I can remember the feeling of sand digging into me. His little white hands holding me in place. I can see his dark, dark, black eyes looking down to me as he hits me. I can feel my confused emotions. Not understanding what I had done to get hit. It wasn’t just punching, he slapped me to. How he got me down on the ground was that he tripped me or pushed me. I can hear my thoughts, wondering why no one was helping me. Every time. Then as the thought happened someone was there. Someone was there to pull him off of me. Every time.

(Other things play out in my head. Laughter. Children's laughter. Like their standing around watching it being played out. I don’t think that happened. At least I hope it didn’t.)

That had gone on for days. Its probably when I stopped wanting people around me. When I closed myself off. When I started to push people away. When I started to get angry. When I stopped loving others and concentrated on me. Increasing my vanity as a protected shield against anyone who could hurt me. Anyone being of the male gender not of my family.

I went into myself and stopped talking. I stopped being happy. When I get really sad I’ll have days where I’ll only say one word. Where if I think of anything I can cry.

I hate the name Billy.

I forgot how much I hate being touched.

Why it takes me forever to even let a guy in. I remember why. I just don’t like how it came back to me.

D=

Pieces of Pooh

I don’t think I have to mentioned that I have this inability to share myself with others. I know for a fact that when I’m seeing you I am not going to share you. Cheat me once and thats it! No more of that. Your cut off and basically dead to me. LOL! But that is another story that can just stay dead to me. Despite the clear undying need to call him up. Its a terrible habit that I must kick. All it takes is a look down memory lane. And the name Julie to make me want to not anymore.

I’m getting good at fighting the need to be with him. No more M. I still want C and that is an other love letter for another time.

So there was something that went down the other day. This past weekend. It really isn’t something that I want to share with anyone. But I have shared with a few girls that I can trust and know they wouldn’t point me in the wrong direction. I know that I should tell one more person. Something like this just has never happened to me and its freaking me the frak out. I mean I am completely sick over what has been played out.

JJ keeps telling me that I’m not a terrible person. I have this terrible guilt thats running me over. Thats eating away at me. I can laugh and still be me and talk the pervy talk but it comes back. Reminding me. Telling me that I should...

Nothing happened. They tell me I should tell her. I keep questioning if there is something to tell. If I have to. If I really have to. I don’t want to be the cause here for what happens to them when I do share. Sure sharing what went down would make me feel better but would it do them any good.

I keep thinking that I should move. Tell them and then move away. Give up on my idea of New York and Vegas so I can leave that mess behind me. At least this way the only time I would see them would be at just around never.

I should leave. I mean for a different reason. Not because something uncomfortable happened and I can’t deal with it. But because I want to frakin leave this weird little community.

I might already have someone with me as in roommate.

I want to do something about this subject. I have, since it happened to me once before, why there is this compulsion to cheat. To dare to flirt with someone who isn’t that one your with. If you are with that person then I think you should be with that person. I’ve always felt that way. If you wanna cheat then you should take a look at the relationship you are in.

You shouldn’t be in there because either you are not ready or because of the simple fact that you are not in the relationship anymore. There is nothing wrong if you have come to that conclusion thats great. Then you don’t have to hurt anyone. Especially that other person in the commitment.

Its funny I always thought that I would be okay with a little cheating. Mainly because of the fact that I have someone in my stories that slightly resemble me and they cheat on their others.

JJ (rolls eyes) said that I’m a catch and he doesn’t blame the guy. Now because he was complementing me I don’t see that negative. I might be completely vain and self-centered and attracted to shiny pink things but I would not break me a piece of that off.

Ew it goes without saying that married men just don’t do it for me. Guys in relationships are actually a turn off to me, unless you are C then my love for you is going to keep on truckin till my feelings change.

Where was I....oh right ew married and out of shape not to mention pale as anything ever was pale. Gross has a kid. I’m sorry I said I want kids ... Of my own names Hero from a tall drink of something dark and smart and not an ass-hole. So you see my problem. He is not Bronson or Chaske or C or the actual man I am going to get with. He’s a big fail in thinking he could touch this.

He is right, my JJ, I am a f*cking catch and he’s, the married guy, not lucky enough to even get as close as he has gotten to me. Piece of sh!t needs to think straight and start treating his woman right. And stay the frak away from me. Otherwise I might have to take all my bloody anger that I have for cheaters and take it out on him.

Situation isn’t right. Make me no happy. And I like happy Starr. She’s a funny woman who is shy as all hell.

>:[

Losing IT

Alright I was asking around work about what I should write about next. My supervisors had mentioned water. Okay. As a Native woman I should know more about water. However as great of an idea that is, right now that is more research then I care to chew on. Anyway when would I find the time to gather this information. Okay so honestly if I wanted to I would. I mean I just made a video and edited tonight ... Last night. About tacos. How to make Indian Taco’s. Blog to come later. I’ll make time to write about water, just not right now.

Another suggestion that my supervisor had mentioned was laughing...alright because I had like 4 Iced-Caps I was a little out of it. Laughing like a silly laugher of everything. What she had really suggested was “hey has anyone ever gotten drunk off of Iced-Caps.” I laughed so hard that basically my boss was looking and giggling to herself what is really in those things wink, wink. Just laughing. It actually didn’t hit me till 4...5am as in morning, to write about laughing.

I mean laughing is great for you. It can open you up. It lets in the light. Laughter is literally the best medicine out there. I have already kind of did a vlog about laughing. Well of sorts. That is just another long story you’d just have to watch it.

A few weeks ago my mother sent me a video with this bear dancing. Not a dancing bear that would be terrible. The bear actually has an itch on the back and he’s rubbing himself on the tree and it looks like he’s “pole” dancing. It makes me laugh just as hard as when I first watched it. With that being said I have watched it more then I really should have.

I’m bear clan and I love bears, they make me happy. So when I watch this video it kills me every time. Now thats a bear in the wild.

I actually thought that I would talk more about laughing then this....Maybe it was just some late night slash very early morning gibber. I was a little out of it last night. The day before. Today. Okay so it’s been a very weird week for me. Losing my mind has been a joyous week...year. My entire life. For real though I have to say that I have been having a blast.

When I say that I laugh at everything I am honestly laughing at everything. It might hurt you but hey I’m having a good time. I’m sorry did you just get burned by that persons words, excuse me while I LOL over here. LMAO, what, she said hello. That is just an hour starting work. The real crazy comes around after I finish my coffee.

Its the reason I don’t judge anyone. I try not to judge anyone. I’ll laugh and snort, but as far as you know its not at you...with you.

I’m starting to sound like a real bitch, I’m not really. I’m just completely vain. I’m the nicest person that I can be until you cross me and then its all hands down I’ll no longer like you.

This blog is really starting to take a weird turn. My whole thing was to tell a few funny stories and share the gift of laughter. Oops that is my bad.

:D

Adding a bit more to this....

10 reasons you should laugh more

Suffering from to much seriousness? Everyone can benefit from a bit more levity. Laughter transcends age, physical limitations an health staus and even has the following health benefits.

1. Strengthens the immune system. A study found that laughter elevates white blood cell counts and increases antibody levels
2. Reduces pain. The endorphins released in your brain when you giggle are the body’s natural painkillers
3. Controls high blood pressure. Laughter has been shown to limit the release of stress hormones. In healthy individuals, a 10 minute chuckle can reduce blood pressure by up to 16 percent, so little laughter can make a big difference.
4. Reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease. Laughter is linked to improved blood vessels and heart health.
5. Eases depressions. Laughter can cheer you up and help you get a better nights sleep.
6. Relieves stess. Giggles reduces levels of stress hormones cortisol and epinephrine in the body.
7. Acts like a min-facelift. Twittering tones facial muscles adn increases blood flow, nourishing the skin for a more youthful glow.
8. Makes a good exercise. Research revels that one minute of laughing is as effective at getting your heart rate up as 10 minutes on a rowing machine. And if you can sustain a chuckle for ten minutes, you’ll burn 50 calories.
9. Alleviates bronchitis and asthma. Frequent fits of laughter can improve lung capacity and increase blood oxygen levels.
10. Makes you feel good. The endorphins released when you laugh - the same ones that flood your brain when you’re in love - boost your mood.

:D

Hero Baby

It happens. I’m a woman. This kind of thinking happens from time to time. I went through that period in my life where all I was thinking about, dreaming about was ten little toes. Eight fingers and two thumbs. Chubby little cheeks. Sweet adoring laugh. Completely perfect rose bud lips. Tiny nose with my bump. Because I am native a full head of dark brown hair. Deep almost black eyes.

Babies. In this particular entry a little girl I named Hero. She is soon going to be written into my Sway with Me story. Which is very lightly based on Sam Uley, actually to be completely honest base on a role playing character on twitter that I follow. Completely sweet guy who is a guy, by that I mean slightly bad with his choice of words. More then once he was there for me when I was in a bad way. Clearly you can understand why I would want to write about him. He cares. Or he appears like he cares. Either way he’s sweet.

Anyway back to the baby talk.

Like I said I have had that span of months where all I could think of was babies and all I could see were babies. All I wanted was a baby. That was when I closed off the guy I was sort of seeing at the time. (It wasn’t just him I could not trust it was my uterus.)

Anyways what prompted me to use “baby” as a subject is the fact that I for some reason went on a hunt for a site that could show me what baby would look like if I were with a guy. I chose two people that I love and needed to know cause I love them so much. Big crushes. Anyway one is Bronson Pelletier and the other Chaske Spencer. I first went with Bronson well I just did *coughs* stalking him. Anyway, kid was cute. Nothing compared to what Chaske and myself morphed together came up with.

I have the best people. A friend said cute what is her name. Hero. I actually took the time to think about this little girls name.

Hero is going to be in this story, I mentioned, that I’m working on. I already had the idea when I first started working on it. It’s almost loosely based on what I would do if I ever found out I’m going to have a baby. I’m always thinking about that. How its going to change my life and all of that. Its scary.

However its different when I dream about it. I’m happy and in love with this perfect little being. It breaks my heart to wake up and know that its not real. Then in my reality I don’t want children. I’m completely selfish. Having a child would be something different for me. Something that is sharing. I can share, I’m just not very good at sharing myself with others.

Babies, children. Perfect little beings. They can make you feel better and its great. Tiny smiles lighting up your life. Its beautiful. I just don’t know if its for me. But I sure do love the idea of Hero.

:D

W.P.B.C

Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I give myself reasons why I can. - Unknown

Wolf Pack Boot Camp. An encouraging group of girls come together to complete their goal of looking even better then they look now. It could go on without mention, this could work. So far its only been a day. There well be another possibly update next week, either the Sunday or the Monday. (Depends seeing how the actual day I started was the Sunday and when I *snorts* writing this. So I’m reediting it, really I am.)

I even furthered *cough* tortured *cough* myself with pictures of an old family friend who is a model slash dancer slash tiny a hell. It really helped me out...I sent it to one of the girls and they all took a look and yeah I think it might have sacred them a little. Cause she is tiny. Sure not the best way to encourage each other but take in every aspect of this and that might work but hey whatever works. This week that is working.

The point to Wolf Pack Boot Camp is to encourage each other during this time. So far we’re good at this. LOL! {‘psst’ goes the voice in my head ‘its only been a day’}

Well Sunday I woke up and jumped right up to the gym. Then right afterwards I mean after a good cry, something happen at home that I didn’t understand. I got yelled at and a door slammed on my face for reasons that still escape me. I am however not going to dwell on it. Its not my problem to take her hurt and pain when I can’t fully deal with mine. It not fair that she take her anger out on me, just because I showed my face at the wrong time. Anyway she should know better.

Anyway back to the work out. I forgot how much I enjoyed that time to myself. Listening to which ever book I have on my iPod. Trying to not giggle to myself as something funny was said in my ears. Which is hard to do, right now I’m listening to “Youth in Revolt” by C.D. Payne. If you have seen the movie well the book is different fuller as most books are. Its funny, I find myself laughing more and then I’ll have to go back and listen to what I missed.

So I’ll listen to audio books, because that way I can still hear the music playing in the gym. Awesome. Win win. So Sunday I had hit every machine that my communities work out room gym could offer. Mistake! Today’s mistake. Stairs scare me today. Lifting that piece of paper looks like a lot of work. But I had fun and it was great. Because it was a Sunday there wasn’t anyone there. So I’m able to be all “class” and “lady like” while I’m working out...alright I don’t care most of the time anyway. Yesterday was a great reminder that I need to get back into this and work hard towards my goal. Which is to look and feel better then I do now!

After the work out I was going to go for a swim. My big brother and his wife have a pool. They were also going to feed me. Hello major love. -_- I had to wait an hour before I could eat. Now because I woke up and went right to the gym and had a good over worked work out I was starving. So I’m swimming to not think about how hungry I am.

It was hot out so I was grateful that they had invited the family over for a swim. BBQ hot dogs and burger. Hello yum! Also dangerous. I’m not going to lie I had a burger and two hotdogs. I was starving. I could not help but name all the bad food I was now craving. Chips. Popcorn (movie theater popcorn). Pizza. Coffee (which I had this morning :/ no worries stomach is paying for it right now.) Bloody big piece of cake.

So to subside the cravings I had a pop. Very bad! Then again the week before I had a RedBull. Redbull is my love and best friend. It’s only the first day, get off my back. Nah I’m doing good. Until dinner.

Meat loaf, yellow beans, and rice. Before that meal though I had gone for a walk which took me away for an hour. I took time out to visit with my grandparents. I said thank you to them for giving me the strength to face that person who yelled and slammed the door in my face. I even gave them a listen to the audio book. They would have liked it.

I miss the two of them. I love them very much.

So that dinner was good. Very yummy. I took small portions for myself. Which still left me full, then there was pie! PIE! I said small piece. Nope that was not go. Got a big one. -__- I guess that its alright to a point. I still did some sit-ups while True Blood was playing and then relaxed while doing my nails.

To say that I was productive Sunday is a little understatement. Today I am paying for it. Which means I’m just going to do a little yoga tonight after work.

Have only had three smokes since the last update. Been drinking green tea and water when I want a smoke. It really does seem to be working. Only I believe that my mother doesn’t believe me that I’m not smoking. Or she can’t remember, mainly because she keeps asking me if I have a smoke. NO!

Good little me!

:D

Really, really? You can't ...

It was a wild week. Long but still short. It started with Monday going to work. The vibe in the office was completely off and uncomfortable. I honestly didn’t think anything of it because I wasn’t there to witness what had gone on. Well yeah it was more then I can share.

I’m just going to say that it’s a house full of women. Its a house full of women who have already lined up. Yeah time of the months totally together. So long as I know where I stand with these women, I’m good. I’m friends with all of them. But one, she tells me what to do and I am shadowing her. So she is my boss type lady...I mean supervisor. I’m keeping her that way because I am not going to change her to friend again I can’t do that.

There has to be balance there. I’m going to set that balance and let that be. She has to understand that we can’t be friends. As for the other ones, yes I can because well they are pretty much in the same boat as me.

They might be a little more comfortable with her then myself, but I have drawn that line and its just not going to change. Possibly even after I have lefts the place its still going to be the same. I won’t be the same with her as I well be with the others. Its just how that cookie is going to crumble.

Where I was going with this entry was, I didn’t go to work Friday, because I didn’t agree with how she was handling herself. I mean she was fine and I understand that their place was closed, but I mean what’s wrong with networking. Getting your name out there and talk directly to the people.

I am sending flyers to different places. When I’m gone they are going to have to start doing that. They are going to want to know there names and faces. I don’t know it was just upsetting that they could not just take time out it would have taken minutes then they could have gone for their own lunch...even though that office had provided a very delicious lunch. It don’t make sense to me to pass that up. The comfort of that office they go to a lot of work give that comfort and warmth.

Oh well, their lost. Laughs and food were had and they missed out.

The funny thing to is that I knew something like that was going to happen. I knew that they or one of them would be uncomfortable I just thought that it would be N and not the actual one who should be getting the name out there. I was worried, I didn't sleep the night before. With just cause I can see. Well as much as I enjoy the house and just the office in general I don't think I would recommend this as a placement to anyone. Then again they are new to the positions. We're all learning how to do new things.

I guess that was my bad then.

:D ... :/

um ... okay NO!

It was a long weekend. (had one smoke, possibly two, pretty sure it was one though) Then again it went by in a complete fast pace. That it took over my sleep and the ability to feed myself. I might have had one full meal since Friday right up too...I still haven’t actually eaten anything and I don’t think that I well until lunch. When I’ll ask my co-worker to get something to eat.

Then again I don’t think that well go over very well, I just found out somethings that I’m not going to share.

Anyway back to my weekend I had...okay starting first with the Friday. There was a bloody brown out twice I was not a happy camper. Mainly because my house was roasting me alive and going outside was not an option for me that day, the sun was hurting my eyes. I was just sick as a dog (which is silly because then I would have to go outside and eat some grass). So during this brown out I thought I’ll take one of my pain pills for my back. Passed out for I don’t know how long. Almost half the day.

So when I woke up I saw that my boss/supervisor had e-mailed me. I had asked for work to be given to me so that I wouldn’t feel so useless. Well that was my fail. Because of the brown out and my sleeping I could not get done what was asked of me and I felt kinda bad about that. That was until I started to talk with someone and everything was erased.

My back killing, the fact that I didn’t do what was asked of me. All of that. Gone because I was smiling again.

So Saturday. As you know I had plans that day and it never happened. My plans never happen, I think because they are my plans and yeah (what I can give myself some self pity if I want to). The only thing that went as planed was the party that night for my fathers step sisters birthday.

Needless to say that I got pissed drunk and went home early. I blame the jello shots that the girls are so in love with. With that being said, I sang my favorite song like ever, and called my fathers sister auntie and my father daddy. Okay first off NO! I have never called my father/dad daddy before and it was bloody weird that I would have just said it because I was drunk.

Yeah no more of that. I am not loving it. Well till my friends Jack and Jill, that is a must I know I’ll be drinking then. And its in two weeks so right now, no more drinking till then. I no need to drink.

Sunday I slept and waited to hear from someone and went over what had happened the night before. Well I got hit on by an old lady dating my cousin. So that was gross. She even kissed my neck. I’m getting the creeps now just thinking about it. Yeah no thank you old lady I’m good. Anyway I love the peen and all that comes with it.

Yes I am going to end it on that note, no no to the old lady love!!

:D

PANCAKE?

A few short hours of sleep later....

I knew that today was going to be a hard day but to have it start this early I am not too happy about it. Then again on a Saturday when, no how long has it been since I have been up this early (8am BTW) when work wasn’t involved and just good times lay ahead. (psst, not really going to be that hard of a day)

Mmm pancakes ---> long story

Well maybe as good as times can get. Its the Scottish Festival today which is always good times. Yum! Slightly bad beer, bag pipes and the chance to catch wind of testicles or the other bit. I’m just saying it could happen, kilts hello and it look like a windy day out there. So I might just have to advert my eyes, or pretend I see nothing. With this face :o mouthing the words “oh dear” slapping the closes person to me, even if its my mother. Please God don’t let it be my mother. All the while slapping the person in attention I’m shouting to them to get my camera I have to take a picture of how shadowy this day is.

No judge. Not now when you know very well you would be doing the same thing. Admit it, you’ll feel better.

Anyway. With that out of the way I can maybe talk about something else.

Well about the pancakes I just want some. Perhaps ones that I haven’t made, I would love it if they were, actually, edible. I did make some the other week that were just the greatest. In my standards in the way of how I cook pancakes. Sometimes they can be like rubber, another time they were foolish, they played a trick on me. They looked like they were done, they weren’t. Pure batter in the middle.

The last time I made them they were perfect (and think me making them) I think it was because I was happy. I was just having a good time dancing around my kitchen singing, talking with someone, laughing. It was fun. I have to say that I’m a good cook when I’m happy.

Let me try to explain, I use to be great at cooking when I’m mad like right pissed off. Master piece, that I have cooked up for my brother. It was like because I’m so mad I somehow became more aware of things. But since I don’t when it happened really, it switched. When I’m laughing, having that good time I notice things, can feel when that pancake really needs to be flipped (no matter what you tell me its not when it starts to bubble)

I don’t know what it is but I’m happy, I’m smiling more. Even when crotch b-words and terrible child-like-men get under my skin I’m happy. I can smile and move on. I mean I can make pancakes. I still can’t look at my ex-type with out getting the shakes but hey I’m sadly in love with him. So it’ll take time.

I can make pancakes, next challenge is rice. I make the worse rice out there. Its something that is going to take time and effort. Oh and bags and bags and bags of rice. Okay maybe a cup at a time I’ll make.

I also am going to share now, because I might be making the video today or sometime this weekend but I am going to make a video on how to make bannock, scone, nishbread, frybread whatever you want to call it. Well I want to learn myself to make it and I also want to make taco’s, Indian Taco’s which are OH-MY-GOD so good.

The reason for wanting to do that is I was inspired by JJ, the little brother I would have if I already didn’t have a boss baby bro. Well he was drunk one night and was talking about food he likes, I was naming the ones that I like, mainly pow-wow food and he was all like what’s that. I would should him pictures and he said he’d like to try. I thought it was DrunkJJ humoring me. No the next night he was like okay so I tried that...I was surprised so I am going to make a video on how to make this so he can at least do his best to make. As well as anyone else who might want to make. My self included.

:D

Insomnia, no talking bout ME!

A lot of the tweepol I follow on twitter suffer from insomnia. I don’t think I do, never checked it out like medically or anything but I have my major bouts of no sleep, complete lack of. More then one occasion I would find myself going to school on either 1 or no hours of sleep. It would make for an interesting day with the girls I would carpool with. Oh and for the walls as well. Doors. Glass windows. Stairs. A line on the floor. A blade of grass. My own feet. Breathing, thinking at the same time. Drinking. Talking. Laughing for crying out loud is the worse.

Mind you it really doesn’t take much to trip me. I could be thinking and crash into a wall. This coming from a girl who loves heels. It doesn’t help that my family has brittle bones either. I’m off topic.

So coming back to my subject, a little unclear and unfocused about what I was really trying to say. A lot of people I have on twitter are insomniacs, or suffer from some type of sleeping disorder. I noticed this when I was writing a paper on it a lot of people were talking to me about it and what they would do to pass the time. Clearly the more popular one was tweeting. Others would say writing, or watching late night movies, getting their fill of bad infomercials, even cleaning. One guy said he likes to work out.

My first thought was “oh my gosh, he must be completely ripped” because he is almost always up. I never asked because well first thing even on twitter I am still completely shy about certain subjects and do my best to not offend anyone. (despite what ever the bleeding hell I did to that crotch, hateful bitch)

I have yet again lost what I was going to talk about. I know it has something to do with insomnia and how there are just so many on twitter. You know it wouldn't be completely out of line to suggest that Twitter is the main cause of insomnia. I can’t go on personal experience though because I could never sleep even before my sister and her bestie told me about it.

Telling me that it’s perfect for me. Saying how much I’d update my status on Facebook. Yes I know this. I like letting people know how I’m doing...actually I more or less enjoy the sounds of my own voice. Right now I’m reading this out loud.

So I don’t know how this turned into a love letter to myself and how I’m clumsy walking into walls and forgetting how to do math in the next second.

I have even given up coffee (not Tim Horton’s Ice Caps I’ll never give them up.... during summer) to see if that is my main problem with the non sleeping. Its been a week and so far no it doesn’t seem that is the problem. However, taking in the fact that it has only been a week I’m doing pretty good. Still not a whole lot of this sleeping going on but so far so good.

And I am going to stop myself there before I start talking about what it is that I am going to do and wear tomorrow. BTW its almost 5 in the morning. Which should explain how this isn't running as smoothly.

ZERO SMOKES TODAY *happy dance*

:D