Sunday, August 15, 2010

Working on it

I smiled two days in a row. I laughed harder then I have in weeks. I sang along. I held a conversation. I ate food and didn’t feel the need to get sick afterwards. (don’t worry I never did). I went outside and didn’t freak myself out. I didn’t have an anxiety over the amount of people within touching. I felt good.

Mind you I was still freaked the hell out that anything could happen. That at any given time someone could touch me the wrong way and it’ll send me into a crazy pile of emotions. Showing, exposing me. Killing me slowly as I would then have to bare all to the ones that I can’t bare anything to.

I don’t feel bad that I’m not sharing this with anyone. I don’t feel bad anymore, that eating away at my insides has since left me. >.> okay well it lingers there. But its something that I am going to have to live with I already have the two most important people know as much as I can share with them. And another person who know everything, possibly everything.

Can I live with that. For right now I can. For this moment in my life I can go on living like that and be content.

I have been working very hard on being happy again and not withholding myself from everything. I’m trying to think better of people. My problem is that cheaters are people too and should know better. Hateful peoples should leave me a lone. I mean I can almost listen to a full song of The Buble and not want to throw a punch to the nearest male (which is sadly my Baby) I never do though I would never hit anyone where it wasn’t playful. Just the amount of anger inside of me you know.

The amount that was killing me into a coma. Hiding me in a dark room having me curled up in a ball. Shutting everything out. Even my family. Trying to close the door on everything. Failing at that terribly and thankfully as well. If it wasn’t for two others that I almost talk to on a daily basis I don’t think I would have had the strength to breathe. If it wasn’t for the powerful witting comments of a few others I wouldn’t have been able to laugh.

With the help of a few others I can be happy enough for the time being as to seem normal. As to seem like I can walk by myself and not be afraid of what others might say and think about me.

Its still weird though when I look into the mirror. She’s different. She can see that at any given moment she can give into the emotion she fights with and break down and cry. Tear up like no ones business and swim into like she had a choice.

Well I do have a choice I just can’t seem to find my own way up.

It’ll happen and it’ll take time. But I have to forgive myself first.


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