Fat Pants

Ugh! I have been feeling down and out for awhile now. Alright to be fair I'm never exactly the happy-go-lucky I normally pretend to be. I am the faker. I can just about fake everything, what woman doesn't.

Well anyways. I did it without really, really recognizing this, but I had started to eat a lot more junk. Cravings happen they set right in and strangle you till you give in. I had at one point shut the door on candy cause they suckers are a gateway. Those yummy bastards. Mmm. And I recently discovered the complete badness of jalapeño Cheetos. Now I knew I should have just said no. NO! But I have in to them. I normally can just say no. It's not so much of the chip I like its the crunch. That snap is delicious. It was my favorite thing about being a kid well one of them, I loved to swim, going for walks, skipping. (High School can along and I liked to skip for a whole different reasons. The water just...no.)

Well for awhile now, all my clothes just - I hate clothes and that's not like me. I am a creator of random prints and patterns. It's an enjoyment of mine to put things together and have people guessing how I managed that. These days I like yoga pants or dresses. Sure it's summer why the hell not. So it's not always a pleasure. Sure I look pretty and relaxed only I'm not I feel exposed and uncomfortable. Today is a bloated ass day. So I thought well my comfy jeans well hide that. I also like to wear them when I feel extra fat. To my horror they fit me. Normally they slide off my hips beg for further running over my butt....I was sad.

I was horrified that they fit me. They weren't going to slip or fall. Nope. They were going to stay on. I wanted to cry. It made me think I should do a million sit ups and crunches. It made me not want to eat a thing. It's just better if I sob a little fake cry. (Since I fake everything, right) So I did my "I Love Lucy" cry and smacked my ass before I left the bedroom.

Something needs to change, I need to start saying no more often to things I know that are bad for me. Cause they are bad for me. I need more water in my life. >>However I'll never give up on my coffee. I just can't do it. I won't do it.<< Eating more healthy, saying bye bye to bread and crunchy chip and HELLO carrots (which I love) and a g'day to natural candies like frozen and fresh fruit. Wake my ass up early and get to that gym. FEEL THE BURN!

Maybe even burn those fat pants.


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Not Entirely Sure

I am never really sure about how I go about my life. I know that there is many things on here that I don't want to relive again once was good enough for me. It's just one of those things that never really leave you.

Actually I am alright with that. Staying close with all of that. It's kind of a comfort that this happened to me. There are many, many, millions out there that have been going through far worse and what happened to me was just - it most defiantly isn't something that you can just let consume you.

It's like Grandma said "this is going to make you stronger, you'll be able to help others out." When she first said it to me it had hurt me but not that I think about it. . . Actually thinking about it. Yes. It isn't something that is going to define me as a human being, but it has pushed me to where I should have always been. Cause I am strong. Cause I am beautiful. Cause I am Starr. No one but myself can take that away from me.

NO ONE AT ALL.


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