Friday, November 22, 2013

What the Hell is Love?

I have never been in love. Never thought to go out and find it. Didn't exactly think it was worth much of my time.

I know that it's out there. I can feel it in songs. You know basic understanding about what this powerful emotion is. But I have never once been enraptured by it. Actually it sounds a lot of bothersome to me. Not one little bit appealing. Don't get me wrong I am happy for the couple out there who say it and know it to be true but for myself. Meh.

I think I have actually only ever seen 3 couples who love, who are friends, who complete each other. The circle. It's there and fitted to each other nicely. Never once did I look at them and think that was what I want. I am gonna go out and look for it. Not a single cell thought that. I don't know if it's because I was finding out at that time I didn't even love myself, or that I didn't want to end up trapped like I have witnessed so much of in my life.

Well to tell you the truth it was probably that last one. And the fact that I got a bad thing for bad attitudes.

I like reading about it. Hearing about it in songs. Seeing it on the screen. When I was in school I wrote a paper on it thinking I was in love with some asshole, which after reading He's Just Not That Into You (yes reading the movie didn't exactly sink in) after reading that I found out that he wasn't that into me as I thought I was into him. Actually it turned out I was using him for stories and not actually wanting to bring him home to meet the partners. God no. Again it never occurred to me to do that. The whole idea kinda made me well I never
Thought about it so I generally I don have a feeling on it. I used this guy as much as he used me, putting it that way because he was no goddamn muse. Just stupid things happens around him. To us when we were together. Made for good material.

I don't look for it though. Sure it is as nice a warm blanket out of the dryer. But it don't seem like my kind of thing. Not yet anyways.

Not until I know what the hell it is.

- Stahrie Nite posted using BlogPress from iPhone

Monday, August 26, 2013

A Fawn Again

I wish there was more then one coherent thought bouncing around. I kind of wish that I had a more brilliant time after a long weekend. But as it is all I want to do is sleep and rest and do what is R&R.

Things I would do on an R&R:
1. Read a book
2. Write
3. Edit a story I've been working on for years.
4. Gap out cause 1-3 took to much brain power.

After a long tiring over emotional weekend that came out of nowhere, like there was some type of black hole that suddenly opened up and hit me in the emotional centre. It's always a hard bit to come out of. Because it feels like I had a party hardy the night before and now with a big hang over. Minus the throbbing headache.

Now don't get me wrong I loved and had a bunch of fun working and meeting new people. It's always a fun time.

It was just a trying time, finding a swing and groove in new but old stylish role. It had made me realize that I do need to learn and relearn things and responsibilities that were old hat to me soon become something new and different and it kind of freaked me out. Once I said that was okay, that it was alright to be new at this I finally relaxed and started to breath again. I just have to keep remembering that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

I just wish I didn't feel like a weak fawn on shaky legs.

- Stahrie Nite posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Fat Pants

Ugh! I have been feeling down and out for awhile now. Alright to be fair I'm never exactly the happy-go-lucky I normally pretend to be. I am the faker. I can just about fake everything, what woman doesn't.

Well anyways. I did it without really, really recognizing this, but I had started to eat a lot more junk. Cravings happen they set right in and strangle you till you give in. I had at one point shut the door on candy cause they suckers are a gateway. Those yummy bastards. Mmm. And I recently discovered the complete badness of jalapeƱo Cheetos. Now I knew I should have just said no. NO! But I have in to them. I normally can just say no. It's not so much of the chip I like its the crunch. That snap is delicious. It was my favorite thing about being a kid well one of them, I loved to swim, going for walks, skipping. (High School can along and I liked to skip for a whole different reasons. The water

Well for awhile now, all my clothes just - I hate clothes and that's not like me. I am a creator of random prints and patterns. It's an enjoyment of mine to put things together and have people guessing how I managed that. These days I like yoga pants or dresses. Sure it's summer why the hell not. So it's not always a pleasure. Sure I look pretty and relaxed only I'm not I feel exposed and uncomfortable. Today is a bloated ass day. So I thought well my comfy jeans well hide that. I also like to wear them when I feel extra fat. To my horror they fit me. Normally they slide off my hips beg for further running over my butt....I was sad.

I was horrified that they fit me. They weren't going to slip or fall. Nope. They were going to stay on. I wanted to cry. It made me think I should do a million sit ups and crunches. It made me not want to eat a thing. It's just better if I sob a little fake cry. (Since I fake everything, right) So I did my "I Love Lucy" cry and smacked my ass before I left the bedroom.

Something needs to change, I need to start saying no more often to things I know that are bad for me. Cause they are bad for me. I need more water in my life. >>However I'll never give up on my coffee. I just can't do it. I won't do it.<< Eating more healthy, saying bye bye to bread and crunchy chip and HELLO carrots (which I love) and a g'day to natural candies like frozen and fresh fruit. Wake my ass up early and get to that gym. FEEL THE BURN!

Maybe even burn those fat pants.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Not Entirely Sure

I am never really sure about how I go about my life. I know that there is many things on here that I don't want to relive again once was good enough for me. It's just one of those things that never really leave you.

Actually I am alright with that. Staying close with all of that. It's kind of a comfort that this happened to me. There are many, many, millions out there that have been going through far worse and what happened to me was just - it most defiantly isn't something that you can just let consume you.

It's like Grandma said "this is going to make you stronger, you'll be able to help others out." When she first said it to me it had hurt me but not that I think about it. . . Actually thinking about it. Yes. It isn't something that is going to define me as a human being, but it has pushed me to where I should have always been. Cause I am strong. Cause I am beautiful. Cause I am Starr. No one but myself can take that away from me.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad