Thursday, August 19, 2010

Dreams. Goals. Bucket list.

Dreams. We all have them. I once had this dream about wanting to write all day in this perfect little office and being this wonderful mother to this beautiful little boy (yes it was during my first wave of baby craze). I had just gone back to school and it was an actual thing we had to do. We had to take time out of our day and think about what it is that is going to make us happy. A job or family or yeah. I chose where I wanted to be in ten years. I was 20 when I did that and wrote it done. It was very detailed. Like Hero I think of that little boy, from time to time. (Wondering if I would be a good mother.)

I should say goals. Or the most popular term the bucket list. I was involved in someone’s bucket list last year and it was a wonderful and freeing experience that made me realize and go for things that were either to late or just in time...i say just in time because now I am back in school and loving every minute of it. It was sky-diving. It was the best this I did last year...I mean aside from going back to school.

So anyway I told a friend of mind tonight about dreams. Mainly because he told me one of his. He’s trusting me and I like that. I get a sense of trust when he tells me things. I mean with the latest in my great depressing adventure into the dark, he’s been this little light that makes me laugh. A friend reminding me of my own words. I’ve helped him out a lot as well. Its a growing trust between the two of us.

He said that his dream was stupid. Its so not stupid. (not going to share because its his to share and I’m not going to cross a line.) I had told him that it was a very beautiful dream and should share it with anyone and everyone. I could get the feeling that he was extremely happy about talking about it. Which is what I was aiming for. He was sad about something that had happened before we were talking. So anyway. It said that it was unattainable, he wasn’t going to leave the country....

I get that no one likes to travel. I personal think I would like it given that I travel more.

So in reply to his unattainable dream, is - they feed us, the imagination, driving us towards something. Even if we don’t achieve it, its there and it makes you smile. Bashfully in this state of complete happy giggly (alright I tossed in the giggle just now because I honestly believe that he would giggle. A man giggle, chuckle.) His dream is honestly a very good one and he should work towards it. He should keep learning Italian. In fact I am going to encourage this. I’m already trying to learn it myself.

Dude this friend of mine makes me happy. He makes me happy in the way that my Baby does. Shoot the shit and laugh it off.

So back to dreams and goals to my bucket list.

I’m not actually going to publish my list...still kinda working on it.

  1. Learn French and Italian
  2. Bungee jumping
  3. Live in England for a year. (I actually really want to do this !!)
  4. Learn to cook a dish in Italy
  5. Learn to sing a French song in France
  6. Play a very small, horribly small, part in a Shakespeare play
  7. Write a story that can make another person, who isn’t me, tear up or any of the other emotions
  8. Learn to dance (ballroom, salsa, belly
  9. Throw a drink in someone’s face (not of my nicest of choices I just think that it would be fun)

Thats all that I have for right now...its a work in progress. I have so much more that I would like to add and would love to get done. I just can’t share everything right now. My mind is moving somewhere else...

....I have plans for tomorrow to find a special spot for myself outside that can bring me some kind of happiness. I’m looking forward to it.


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

To Wake or Not To Wake...???

I have been thinking lately that I have to change things up a little and talk about something else. My something else is Shakespeare. I love William Shakespeare. Not to the extent that I am going to name my small dog after him or anything like that. No! I just enjoy the plays. They don’t leave you with that feeling of...

WHAT! What about that guy? WAIT A MINUTE ITS OVER?

No, all questions are answered. Its all put away in a nice little package. No matter it be dramatic, romance or comedic. Everything is tide together and closes nicely, or rather in most cases sadly that is unless you are dealing with his comedies, which is when the villain gets his uppins and is taken away for be such a villain. That still stands even during this modern time with movies and bad actors terrible lighting.

Thats what I believe I want to explore. Modern take on his plays. This entry now, is only a introduction to what I would like to write. So this is going to be my series, my first series of writings. Where is doesn’t consists of posy-its and little note made everywhere and then lead to nothing and gets either filed away and never thought of again, which gets done a lot as I have just discovered as I have cleaned out my desk.

A little cleaning before school starts. I found all my missing pens and mass amounts of note books and the diary I forgot all about that mainly has mention of one person...

Anyway. I have not decided yet in which order I am going to start, I just know that I am going to be taking a play or a few actually and go over them. So it might be and rather it is the way I am already leaning clearly, the genres.

Which one I start with is going to be a surprise to me and to you!

Look forward to writing and it such a good reason to start such a task weeks before heading back into school? Actually its brilliant, as I have come to realize my brain has been on summer vacation without me and needs to have a wake-up call. So this is me waking up before class starts. Should be very interesting.


Sunday, August 15, 2010

Working on it

I smiled two days in a row. I laughed harder then I have in weeks. I sang along. I held a conversation. I ate food and didn’t feel the need to get sick afterwards. (don’t worry I never did). I went outside and didn’t freak myself out. I didn’t have an anxiety over the amount of people within touching. I felt good.

Mind you I was still freaked the hell out that anything could happen. That at any given time someone could touch me the wrong way and it’ll send me into a crazy pile of emotions. Showing, exposing me. Killing me slowly as I would then have to bare all to the ones that I can’t bare anything to.

I don’t feel bad that I’m not sharing this with anyone. I don’t feel bad anymore, that eating away at my insides has since left me. >.> okay well it lingers there. But its something that I am going to have to live with I already have the two most important people know as much as I can share with them. And another person who know everything, possibly everything.

Can I live with that. For right now I can. For this moment in my life I can go on living like that and be content.

I have been working very hard on being happy again and not withholding myself from everything. I’m trying to think better of people. My problem is that cheaters are people too and should know better. Hateful peoples should leave me a lone. I mean I can almost listen to a full song of The Buble and not want to throw a punch to the nearest male (which is sadly my Baby) I never do though I would never hit anyone where it wasn’t playful. Just the amount of anger inside of me you know.

The amount that was killing me into a coma. Hiding me in a dark room having me curled up in a ball. Shutting everything out. Even my family. Trying to close the door on everything. Failing at that terribly and thankfully as well. If it wasn’t for two others that I almost talk to on a daily basis I don’t think I would have had the strength to breathe. If it wasn’t for the powerful witting comments of a few others I wouldn’t have been able to laugh.

With the help of a few others I can be happy enough for the time being as to seem normal. As to seem like I can walk by myself and not be afraid of what others might say and think about me.

Its still weird though when I look into the mirror. She’s different. She can see that at any given moment she can give into the emotion she fights with and break down and cry. Tear up like no ones business and swim into like she had a choice.

Well I do have a choice I just can’t seem to find my own way up.

It’ll happen and it’ll take time. But I have to forgive myself first.


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

it only takes one word ... HELP

Have you ever had one of those days where you have only said one word. I have had that day. I have been having far to many of those days of late. Where I don’t want to say anything where I cannot come up with a reasonable ... anything to say. I believe its because I don’t want to share this secret that has been weighing on me. This thing that has infected me. Infected me to a point of sleep and sickness. To a point that I tear up and cry at the thought. Where other things have been brought up from the past. Have since been long forgotten. This thing that only one other person knows about and it well probably stay that way to. Thats something I can’t share. But I have that one person I can talk to, and I’m happy.

When I was little I was attacked almost daily. By this boy whom for some reason both hated and needed me. It very well could have been my first and well since then bad relationship. Abusive relationship.

It wasn’t anything like that. We were never playground boyfriend girlfriend. Even then the thought made me run in the other direction. This little boy was, had, started out as my friend. I use to like having people around me when I was little. Back then I would care why the popular kids didn’t like me. Now who give a flying pooh in the face. If someone doesn’t like me. I know I love me. Oh well.

I can remember now what he looks like. I can remember the feeling of sand digging into me. His little white hands holding me in place. I can see his dark, dark, black eyes looking down to me as he hits me. I can feel my confused emotions. Not understanding what I had done to get hit. It wasn’t just punching, he slapped me to. How he got me down on the ground was that he tripped me or pushed me. I can hear my thoughts, wondering why no one was helping me. Every time. Then as the thought happened someone was there. Someone was there to pull him off of me. Every time.

(Other things play out in my head. Laughter. Children's laughter. Like their standing around watching it being played out. I don’t think that happened. At least I hope it didn’t.)

That had gone on for days. Its probably when I stopped wanting people around me. When I closed myself off. When I started to push people away. When I started to get angry. When I stopped loving others and concentrated on me. Increasing my vanity as a protected shield against anyone who could hurt me. Anyone being of the male gender not of my family.

I went into myself and stopped talking. I stopped being happy. When I get really sad I’ll have days where I’ll only say one word. Where if I think of anything I can cry.

I hate the name Billy.

I forgot how much I hate being touched.

Why it takes me forever to even let a guy in. I remember why. I just don’t like how it came back to me.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Pieces of Pooh

I don’t think I have to mentioned that I have this inability to share myself with others. I know for a fact that when I’m seeing you I am not going to share you. Cheat me once and thats it! No more of that. Your cut off and basically dead to me. LOL! But that is another story that can just stay dead to me. Despite the clear undying need to call him up. Its a terrible habit that I must kick. All it takes is a look down memory lane. And the name Julie to make me want to not anymore.

I’m getting good at fighting the need to be with him. No more M. I still want C and that is an other love letter for another time.

So there was something that went down the other day. This past weekend. It really isn’t something that I want to share with anyone. But I have shared with a few girls that I can trust and know they wouldn’t point me in the wrong direction. I know that I should tell one more person. Something like this just has never happened to me and its freaking me the frak out. I mean I am completely sick over what has been played out.

JJ keeps telling me that I’m not a terrible person. I have this terrible guilt thats running me over. Thats eating away at me. I can laugh and still be me and talk the pervy talk but it comes back. Reminding me. Telling me that I should...

Nothing happened. They tell me I should tell her. I keep questioning if there is something to tell. If I have to. If I really have to. I don’t want to be the cause here for what happens to them when I do share. Sure sharing what went down would make me feel better but would it do them any good.

I keep thinking that I should move. Tell them and then move away. Give up on my idea of New York and Vegas so I can leave that mess behind me. At least this way the only time I would see them would be at just around never.

I should leave. I mean for a different reason. Not because something uncomfortable happened and I can’t deal with it. But because I want to frakin leave this weird little community.

I might already have someone with me as in roommate.

I want to do something about this subject. I have, since it happened to me once before, why there is this compulsion to cheat. To dare to flirt with someone who isn’t that one your with. If you are with that person then I think you should be with that person. I’ve always felt that way. If you wanna cheat then you should take a look at the relationship you are in.

You shouldn’t be in there because either you are not ready or because of the simple fact that you are not in the relationship anymore. There is nothing wrong if you have come to that conclusion thats great. Then you don’t have to hurt anyone. Especially that other person in the commitment.

Its funny I always thought that I would be okay with a little cheating. Mainly because of the fact that I have someone in my stories that slightly resemble me and they cheat on their others.

JJ (rolls eyes) said that I’m a catch and he doesn’t blame the guy. Now because he was complementing me I don’t see that negative. I might be completely vain and self-centered and attracted to shiny pink things but I would not break me a piece of that off.

Ew it goes without saying that married men just don’t do it for me. Guys in relationships are actually a turn off to me, unless you are C then my love for you is going to keep on truckin till my feelings change.

Where was I....oh right ew married and out of shape not to mention pale as anything ever was pale. Gross has a kid. I’m sorry I said I want kids ... Of my own names Hero from a tall drink of something dark and smart and not an ass-hole. So you see my problem. He is not Bronson or Chaske or C or the actual man I am going to get with. He’s a big fail in thinking he could touch this.

He is right, my JJ, I am a f*cking catch and he’s, the married guy, not lucky enough to even get as close as he has gotten to me. Piece of sh!t needs to think straight and start treating his woman right. And stay the frak away from me. Otherwise I might have to take all my bloody anger that I have for cheaters and take it out on him.

Situation isn’t right. Make me no happy. And I like happy Starr. She’s a funny woman who is shy as all hell.