Thursday, December 16, 2010

Me Again

I feel like I have to reintroduce myself. Since my last .... Before my last entry I was very much a different person. I wasn’t happy anymore. I broke. I could not find my smile. I didn’t laugh anymore. I wasn’t me.

Now that I am doing my best to heal and feel better and find my lovely awesomeness again. Smiling and actually meaning it is like, and forgive me for this, but it’s like when buy that new outfit and when you wear it for the first time. You know you look good, and you see people looking at you like “threes something different about you”

My new smile feels like that. My new smile makes me feel good. The laughs and jokes it feels good to want to be happy and accomplishing it. Bit by bit. But you are. It’s self satisfaction. It alone can bring you joy.

So enough about that, though I could very well go on and on about it. Maybe I’ll do another post about that MAYBE.

So about me. My favorite subject. Well I am a college student, the program I am in right now is the Native Community and Social Development. I would like to work someday with children and youth. I love writing, would also like to take some classes to possibly giving me more skill.

A new goal recently added is to move to Toronto given that I am accepted and can get into a certain program for preforming arts with an aboriginal background. It would help me in my career path that I would like to take as in coming up with new program ideas for my community. Being able to bring something new to my community. Again I could go more deep into this subject, but won’t not this time around. (Makes note of this)

Would love to get more into yoga, running and actually using my roller blades.

Big dreamer. Thats something that wasn’t taken from me. Mind you it was mainly how and where I could go to escape my new dark world. It’s changed it’s brighter. My goals are something that I want to work towards and be accomplished by me and not have shame or hate behind it.

I don’t know right now what else I can share right now. So this is kinda of a new me. Still the happy go lucky crazy nut bar with a loud laugh and kind of a different style of thinking seeing things and style. Me!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Worthy Adventure?

Everyone has a different understanding of what love is. Over many conversations, over many coffees I have tried to understand what it is to have. As people explain to me how it happened to them, I begin to see that I could very well be in love, myself. Never allowing any such emotion make its way towards my person, I could see I had let the powerful joyous emotions hold my hand by a fire, under a star filled night with the air smelling of rain from that afternoon. Was it just a fancy free full of lust and passion through palm to palm hand holding, friendly and innocent. Possibly worse yet, was just what it was friendly and innocent. I begin to ask more questions about this road that I don’t want to go down again. I have seen what it can do to a person both pleasure and pain. Love, though a hardship, pleasant and beautiful is it really worthwhile?

“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox” - Woody Allen (Joffe, 1969)

With the many emotions and definitions of love how can one be sure that they are in love and once coming to the real conclusion that they are, how does one even go about it. Knowing fully that its very shaky grown.

Is it the basic human need to have that companionship. Is it just the basic need of the human race, mating. First thing to trigger when seeing that one particular person is lust and attraction, hormones kick in, chemicals involved start to increase in volume, estrogen and testosterone at their highest.

Tossing of the hair, posing, that joke wasn’t really funny but I’m laughing anyway, “Oh is that my hand on your shoulder, you work out?” All this in the means to take part in a completely natural human act.

The first step you didn’t even know that you were taking you just took towards love. It might not have been your first initial means, the thought of falling in love probably didn’t even cross your mind. However what if one of the said party had a good time and calls you the next week.

It is common to want to advance to another level with someone you have things in common with, meaning you had a great time, it was fun. There is nothing wrong to want that feeling all the time. Attraction and great conversation. Looking for that reciprocal affection that guides it to attachment. If that is found then new stronger feelings start to form but you question them. Then before you know it, three small words, eight tiny letters fall from your lips - I love you.

Unnervingly followed by “here is my key”, “lets move in with each other or hey let’s get that puppy in the window”. Both are par with each other, if not the same thing, it is getting to know how you are with each other, how a household would be ruled between the two of you.

There really is no way to know that you are in love. It is almost as if it just happens. The simplest of actions can rouse the joyful party that was building inside your body. It’s that coming together of every wonderful feeling you could ever have is love and no one ever really knows till there is that action in that one moment. A moment that could be from laying down a jacket over a puddle, writing of a song, a silly joke that no one gets but the two of you, or even the simplest and slights of gestures as holding your hand.

Simply in a few words there is no way to know that you are truly and hopelessly in love. No way to tell other then the fact then you will know when it happens. In the morning sunlight because a great start to a wonderful adventure.

“Love is friendship set on fire” - Jeremy Taylor (Taylor, 2009)

Saying I love you is easy. Building a lasting relationship is work. There is nothing wrong when it comes to hard work in a relationship. Hard work can lead to something more beautiful then one could imagine. Life long friendship. Companionship with someone you have a real connection with.

It is heard all of the time from couples young and old. I am the luckiest person to be in love with my best friend. Some are even as lucky as to be able to refer to that person, that best friend, as soul mate. Its what everyone wants. To be in love with your best friend.

Unlike falling in love, being in it, with someone that you call friend, is marvelous. So much so that when it comes to hard work, you are not even going to know that you are in fact getting a companion. Together you are the happiest you could be.

“Love is like war. Easy to begin but hard to end” - Anonymous (2009)

It would seem that every relationship would no doubt produce its very own share of utter disappointment and insecurity and heartbreaking pain. The unfortunate truth is that anyone who has never been hurt is either very lucky or rather lonely. Normally one wouldn’t mind being that person for a time being but when you hit the centre, the core, heartbreak is part of being human.

A broken heart could be just the same with love sickness. Love Sickness being that of a broken heart of something that might not have ever taken place. A relationship that wouldn’t have happened. You hope though, of course the pain behind that realization is nothing compared to losing someone at the end of what is shared, love and complete affection.

The loss of a person so dear could cause symptoms such as; loss of appetite, partial or complete insomnia, shock, apathy, suicidal thought, fatigue and in extreme cases death.

It is completely okay and acceptable to allow such emotions take over. Its heart warming to know that in a world in such distress it’s inhabitants can still feel love. If love wasn’t worth it would it feel so wonderful. It is the most powerful and beautiful thing that you can give to another person, its right next to forgiveness, just as strong, just a wonderful to know that you have. Nothing can be wrong with either as they bring hope and a new day to everyone that could use some. Love is everything that its cracked up to be. Why do you suppose there are many cynical people about the subject.

[This was an essay I had to do for one of my classes last year.]